Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Priorities, people

What does it say about the priorities of americans when you see someone living in a trailer park driving a Ferarri. Suddenly, I feel almost no pity for this guy. His house is destroyed, but at least he can sell the car and use the money to buy a whole new trailer house...

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

School of bad parenting

Nominations are currently being accepted for the 1st Annual "Idiot Parent of the Year" award. My nomination - Phil Parlock from Huntington, WV for bringing his kids to this little escapade. Now, I'll be the first to sing the praises of free speech when it comes to politics. I believe that people who want to protest political events by showing up and carrying signs proclaiming their beliefs should be allowed to do so because they are aware of the consequences of what they do (hostility from their opponents who are present, possible arrest or hair pulling). Guys like this, however, who bring little children to campaign rallies are doing so in a pathetic attempt to use them as a shield against being confronted. It's absolutely friggin awful. Good god guy, let them become embittered when they're adults and actually have to pay attention to this stuff. Does he really think his 3 year old would support Bush if she knew how much extra she was going to pay in taxes to support his reckless expansion of federal spending plus unrealistic tax cuts? Not to mention the therapy she's going to need to overcome what must be an absolutely horrific experience for someone so young. She doesn't see the difference between her sign and those everyone else is holding up, so suddenly when everyone else takes hers and rips it up - she's going to think it's because everybody doesn't like *her* - that it's somehow *her* fault.

If I ruled the world, I'd get to smack him around personally, take his kids away and have them adopted by people who have passed comprehensive courses in good parenting taught by Mr. Rogers. I know that sounds extreme, but I'm *really* steamed at that guy...

A new record holder!

Stillwater biker tagged going 205 mph

For those of you following along at home, we're continuing the Strib's line of crazy-fast drivers. Here's the latest: 205 mph.

On a motorcycle. Talk about taunting death. But frankly, I don't much care. Idiots like this would be run down by predators if mother nature had anything to say about it.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

I'm back, from outer space

I just returned from a weekend in KC visiting some of me hearties from the days sailin' the Minnesotan main. Arrr, twas some good times. (Did *you* know that today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day?). It was two days full of drinkin', gamblin', dancin' and drag queens.

Yup, I went to my first gay club this weekend for a drag queen show and then some dancing upstairs with some friends. We figured that since most of the weekend would be spent doing what we always did back in high school, we'd have a night just for our friend Matt who came out senior year. It was wicked fun, the drag queens were witty, drinks were cheap, I was called "hon" by the bouncer - a large man with a handlebar mustache - and I got to watch two of the hottest lesbians I've ever seen dancing together. That, in particular, was good. It was also an educational experience. I learned that gay men like to watch themselves dancing way more than straight guys, hence why the entire dance floor was surrounded by mirrors.

The rest of the weekend was just spent playing darts, drinking, and teaching my friends to play poker games other than the Texas Hold'em they've seen on television (believe me, after playing that for 3 hours, it gets old really fast). All told it was a fantastic weekend and I'm ready to rock for work this week before headin' out to kick it with my homey jPo this weekend.

Also, if you haven't heard of a band called Scissor Sisters, go over to iTunes right now and download their song "Take Your Mama" - it's a great tune. The whole album is really good, but that's the song I've been listening to on repeat for about the last hour or so. Woo-hoo!...

...I mean ARRRRRRR!!!!

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Hairsnatching is not a crime

In my daily perusal of the Minneapolis Star/Tribune (the only paper I read regularly, this despite the fact that I haven't lived in Minnesota since 1997) I ran across this article that will be the topic of my rambling today.

It's time that we, as a society rose up and helped bald men recognize that toupees are the worst idea ever realized. We need to get them into treatment programs, give out free shaving kits, whatever, because these kids are not the problem. Bald men are. Bald men who accept that a toupee is an acceptable thing in society. We should *all* be running up and snatching toupees off the heads of the so-attired. Come on guys, grow up and respect your masculinity! You wouldn't have turned out like that if you hadn't had so gosh darn much testosterone to begin with.

Same thing goes for comb-overs. Only instead of snatching the hair, we should muss it up like they are four year olds.

Is allergy season a *surprise*!?

As everyone knows, I work in an office environment - just like many other people, including at least 50% of my reading public on this blog. And my question is why is it that every spring and fall, people with allergies act as though the onset of their sniffles is a complete shock to them? I am sitting right between two people who, every few minutes, engage in a nose-blowing and sniffling frenzy that borders on orgasmic.

I really want to know why these people don't understand that there are things they can do about it? They seem resigned to just suffer through, sniffling every 20 seconds and driving me insane. It's not like it's expensive as we have the best health care plan I've ever heard of (everything's free) and it's not like they don't know what it is (they all complain about it upon arrival in the morning as part of morning banter). Yet they do *nothing*. I mean how could they not have seen an ad for Claritin, or Allegra, or any of the other million allergy pills out there? They don't *look* Amish...

I just don't get it. But I feel better now after this little rant. Thanks.

Monday, September 13, 2004

I give up

For the life of me I can't figure out how to add the list of links to other people's blogs to this page. I've looked at the options and preferences and all the other stuff and I can no longer remotely try. I surrender. As a techno-geek, I feel small...

Meanwhile, everyone root for Ahman Green in MNF tonight. He's my last player playing on my fantasy team tonight and I'm only down by 2 points....

...wait, now only down by one! Keep clapping if you believe in fairies kids!

I love fantasy football, it provides meaning in my otherwise dull and dreary existance. yet, sometimes I feel like I'm the only one of my friends who plays it.

Friday, September 10, 2004

The anthropology of trailer trash

I come from the land of large trailer parks, so I like to think that I know something about their sociology. This is not to say that everyone who lived in mobile housing is "trailer trash" per se. I had some friends of mine who lived in the trailer park. However, amongst the trailers there are two subsegments of society: regular people and true "trailer trash". Let's have some fun and try to improve our understanding of how to spot the latter in the wild, shall we? Take a gander at this and try to note which anthropological markers might identify these folks as "trailer trash" as opposed to their more mainstream bretheren. DO NOT READ AHEAD UNTIL YOU'VE COMPILED YOUR LIST! Unless you are a complete cheater...

1) Keeping an alligator as a pet...in the bathtub
2) Living in a mobile home (obviously)
3) Woman in the dispute was a biter
4) Argument started over a lack of alchohol
5) Argument involved throwing of empty beer bottles (trailer trash just leave them out in the event of a fight where they'd need ammo)

The sad thing is that this guy probably thought that using the alligator to attack his girlfriend was an equivalent response. Since she bit him, maybe he didn't have his dentures in and felt it was appropriate to use a surrogate set of teeth...

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Why God, Why?

Seriously, why is it that people think this guy is actually doing a good job? I really want to know. I understand that people think he's got good morals ("Bombing arabs is what Jesus would *want* us to do") or that he's affable in an "I'd like to have a beer with the guy" sort of way. But he just lacks any sort of intellectual substance. I am disappointed on a daily basis that the ignorification of America has progressed to the point where this is now acceptable. Don't we want someone smart to be running the country? Wasn't it just a few years ago that everyone was nervous about something happening to Bush the first because it meant (god forbid) that tweedle-Quayle would become president? I blame the death of quality public education...

Movies I saw this weekend...
Girl Next Door: :-) (Pretty funny, and Elisha Cuthbert is really, really hot)
School of Rock: :-] (The Jack Black show, but still held its own)
Bad Santa: :-P (Oven-baked garbage, the worst movie I've seen in *years*. I hated all the characters)
About Schmidt: :-) (No wonder Jack got the Oscar nom. If I don't get married in the next few years I wonder if that's what'll happen to me)

Friday, September 03, 2004

No wonder everybody loathes politicians...

This is awesome. I love the truth, especially since we've heard so little of it over the last few days during the RNC.

I think HL Mencken said it best when he said "Under democracy one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule - and both commonly succeed, and are right."

Makes me wish I'd watched more of the Olympics...

Friend of mine at work sent me this today. I laughed, so I'm sharing. I just lose more respect for Paul Hamm with each passing day.

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the [2004] Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries,and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . . Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Thursday, September 02, 2004

A turning point

I just figured out that kids starting high school this year, were born during my freshman year of high school. I've hit the halfway point and it's freakin' me out a little bit. Not as much as it did when I turned 20 (I think that no time in my life will be more tempestuous than that, my quarter-life crisis) but still. But still, to think that about half of this year's new high schoolers were born in the 1990's and don't remember anything about the Gulf War, New Kids on the Block, You Can't Touch This, etc. It's mindblowing.

In light of my newfound appreciation for high school nostalgia, I present today's fun website of the day, presented by my dear friend (yes, from high school) Sara. Remember getting your senior pictures and the agony and ecstacy composing little missives on the back to all those who requested one - both those who were our dear friends, and those we only kinda knew? How many times did you use the magic phrases below?

"Stay in touch" (This is the last you'll ever hear from me)
"Remember [insert teacher here]'s class!" (I have nothing else in common with you)
"Best friends forever" (Or until college starts)
"Stay sweet!" (invariably written on almost every senior picture you got from the hot girls who were your friends but didn't want to date you)
"Thanks for being you" (instead of whom?)
"luv ya!" (No I don't but I'm a girl and I can get away with saying this)

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Work-related rambling

So there's been a bit of dearth to figure out what the heck to write in this thing. But then, as I was reading through the archive of the "Washingtonienne" blog [aside - that girl is crazy - I can't believe she's become a celebrity for it I bet she'd still be wallowing in obscurity if she wasn't decent-looking] it struck me that this would be a quick way to just email everyone about stuff going on. Which seems a more practical thing than using it as a repository for musings. So, I'll probably have to actually tell people about this. I hope their hopes aren't high, it doesn't make my life any more interesting.

Today's commentary on weird news. Ordinarily, I would think that the person who tried to pass off this counterfeit bill was an idiot. But then again, the store actually seems to have accepted it! Still, I have to give mad props to the woman for the thoroughness of her design. I mean she changed every single part of the bill: denomination, person depicted, serial number, building shown on the back, signatures. Damn...that's good stuff!

I love wednesdays because it's breakfast burrito day at the work cafeteria. Mmmm...sets the tone for my whole day.

After all, Elmo seems equally disinterested in both...

I have a hard time believing that Elmo was traumatized by Katy Perry's decollatage after discovering that he had already "been arou...