Is it an open bar or a cash bar?

Scientists have recently announced the discovery of a "bar" radiating through the center of the Milky Way Galaxy that is the largest in existence at over 27,000 light years in length. I can only think of how this story is being received in the various niche communities throughout the world. I particularly appreciate how they show where "the sun" is on the map, which helps give a sense of perspective as well as showing me where to look.

Now, here are my top 3 stories for the next month or so, as the implications of this discovery become known.

1. (August 23rd) - "The annual meeting of the Mid-West Fastener Association collapsed into a shouting match this week during the chairman's keynote address. In his speech, Herb Screwmall (CEO of Pop-A-Cap Screw Ltd in Compton, CA) declared that God had signaled his preference for Standard-head fasteners over the arch-rival Phillips-head. "You can see it from space," he stated, "we live in a Standard-head galaxy, who can deny it?" Opponents from the Phillips-Head camp boisterously countered that Jesus died on a Cross, and therefore the cross-shaped Phillips-head fasteners must be the preferred screw head for fundamentalist Christians carpenters. The world's most famous carpenter himself had no comment, but sat in the back of the convention center shaking his head slowly.

2. (September 12th) - Alchoholics Anonymous chapters across the country are reporting a sharp decline in meeting attendance, as the discovery of a "27,000 light year long bar" in the center of the galaxy has caused heavy drinkers around the world to congregate just outside of Area 51 in New Mexico, trying to figure out ways to be kidnapped by aliens and taken away to this drinker's paradise. "I don't know how we're going to do it exactly, but we've been watching a lot of movies about aliens trying to figure out the best way to hitch a ride," said spokescartoon Barney Gumble. "So far we've ruled out the Contact method as too expensive, and the E.T. method because we can't find a cheap Speak-n-Spell on eBay. But we've rewired an old Simon game to do a pretty good approximation of the scene from Close Encounters, so if they ever fly within 10 feet of the camp we feel we've got a good shot."

3. (October 8th) - Flush with their success after the discovery of the "bar" in the center of the galaxy, scientists are hard at work searching for the "Galactic Baseball Card" believed to be positioned just above or below the bar, positioned to slap against the bar with each revolution, creating a simulated motor sound that makes our galaxy way cooler than other, less tricked-out galaxies. Astrophysicist and extreme sports hero Tony Hawk is leading the team running the search at the EXPN/MTV/Mountain Dew Center for Exxxtreeme Astromony at UCLA - "We've already figured out that the Milky Way has mag wheels, but finding the baseball card would be the cherry on top!" said Hawk. "We have narrowed down likely locations for the card, and are already theorizing who's card it is. Most likely it's a 1980 Joe Niekro card, but if it's a 1966 Nolan Ryan rookie people here are going to flip out - we're talking Nobel Prize here man."

Comments

grrrbear said…
Stupid spammers...