Historically, I have had no problem with Hollywood re-making movies. I've seen both the new and old versions of lots of films: Sabrina, Charlotte's Web, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Pink Panther. Have I had a problem with this? No. Do I have a preference? Honestly, not really. Sometimes I like the remake more, other times I prefer the original.
But this weekend I learned something that might change all that. I recently discovered that some studio is re-making "Hairspray". You remember, that wacky John Waters flick from 1988 starring Ricky Lake and Divine as the bizarro transgender mom? Well it's back, only now it's starring John Travolta as the bizzaro transgender mom.
The thing that freaks me out about this is that it's a sign that the original movies of my youth are now threatened by Hollywood's re-make hyenas! Re-makes didn't used to bother me because all of the movies that I saw as re-makes were ones where the originals were made before I started watching movies. But if they are re-making movies from the late '80s, how long until some studio executive gets the great idea to re-make Ferris Beuller's Day off, only starring some Hollywood punk kid like Frankie Muniz* or the kid from Spy Kids.
What's next? Re-making Revenge of the Nerds? Weird Science? The Breakfast Club? Can you imagine the dreck that is about to be forced upon us? What about the children!?!? Our kids are going to grow up in a world where the only Karate Kid they know is Johnathan Lipnicki, and "Spacecamp" takes place on some sort of moon colony! It's all wrong...
I'm going to write my Senators and have them introduce some legislation making certain movies illegal to remake - including everything I've mentioned here, and anything directed by John Hughes in the '80s...and...um...well, I'm open to suggestions. I'm sure Obama will take this up, it's a total president-making issue.
In the interest of fairness however, I will have Dick Durbin attach an amendment to the Obama bill making it mandatory that Hollywood re-make the Star Wars prequels every year until they don't suck. It shouldn't be too hard, the first year all they have to do is not let George Lucas near the actors and digitally remove Jar-Jar altogether.