As american as mom, apple pie, and blithering idiocy!

I love urban legends. They are just so fascinating, not even just in themselves but in how otherwise reasonable intelligent people keep falling for them, despite the fact that they are so obviously made up. To that end, I’ve been a regular reader of snopes.com for a while now (and the GF has totally hooked me on Mythbusters). One of the funnier postings on snopes recently is a collection of emails they have received that are either too vague or too ridiculous to warrant any attention. Here are some of my favorites from that list, along with possible backstories that I’ve added purely for humorous effect:

"HOW CAN I GET THE SUCTION BROKE WHEN THE CONTACT IS STUCK TO EYE"

• I can picture it now…”AAAUUGGHH!!! IT WON”T COME OFF! IT’S PULLING MY EYE OUT!! SOMEBODY GET A CROWBAR!!!!”

"Hi, I just wanted to ask if you could investigate this urban legend. 16 is the age of consent for having sex with someone over 18."

• Signed Billy, c/o Neverland Ranch, Santa Barbara CA*

"A friend of mine asked me if I've ever hear of invisible witches or ghosts that suck the blood out of a person's arm while they are sleeping. Apparently, she saw "marks" on her boyfriend's arm and this was the story that he told her."

• Yeah… “a friend of mine” indeed. Does your boyfriend look like a fashion model? It’s called heroin kiddo. Or, possibly, a "tattoo".

"how much would a penguin egg cost to buy and ship to texas email me as soon as you get the answer to this question bcuz i would like to buy a penguin egg so please email me asap!!!"

• Anyone want to bet that someone saw “March of the Penguins” recently?

"Can you give me ANY statistics about urban legends on the internet? Anything!!! My speech is due monday and I have to have a few statistics in it."

• I can help you out friend. Urban legends…there are LOTS of them. In fact over 90% of internet users have been exposed to them either intentionally or through the negligent actions of their friends and family. 100% of urban legends have no basis in reality. Yet they are quoted as fact by over 1 in four high school sophomores looking for last-minute desperation supporting statistics for their social studies speech on Technology’s Impact on High School Research. Only 1 in 100 such students pass said class; of the remaining students: 59 become full-time McDonalds employees, 16 live with their parents until their 40s, and the remainder become professional surfers, a la Jeff Spicoli.

Nothing like a little slice of the American intellectual debate to get me feeling better about myself. It’s amazing what things like this do for my self-esteem. I haven’t felt this smart since Q101 stopped broadcasting Love Line.

* I know, low blow by me, but come on - this quote was *asking* for it!