Thursday, March 31, 2005

Heavenly Father or Gargantuan Mega-Lizard?

I read something on Yahoo news yesterday that another one of the protesters tried to bring a glass of water into Terri Shaivo a day or two ago. I'm not going to go into why this person felt this was necessary (I mean, let's say, hypothetically, that you get into the hospice...what then? I mean, she's not going to gulp down the water and say "Thanks man, I totally needed that!") as much as what the person said as he was being arrested...because I found it amusing.

According to the story, the man was overheard yelling "You don't know God from Godzilla!" at the police who were arresting him. This concerns me - because as an upright citizen, I hold our country's police forces to a higher standard. Granted, nobody's perfect and all cops are human and therefore capable of making mistakes, but if it is indeed true that the thin blue line can't tell the difference between a dinosaurian havoc-wreaker and the man upstairs it seems we have bigger issues to tackle than whether or not social security is in a bit of a pickle.

Maybe it would help if we could outline some differences between God and Godzilla. This way we could give little laminated cards to cops which they could use as a handy reference when faced with a large, powerful force. Said cards could make the difference as they try to decide whether to take the force into custody for damage to public property or ask for said force's blessing. Here's what I was able to think of off the top of my head:

Godzilla
Appearance: Giant (200'+ tall), screeching lizard
Address: Underwater, sleeping. Shhhhh...
Political Affiliation: Libertarian (You leave him alone, he leaves you alone...)
Media Contact: TOHO Studios
Turn-ons: Friendly children, leveling cities, Jet Jaguar
Turn-offs: Nuclear Weapons Testing, CGI versions of self

God
Appearance: Multiple - reportedly seen as burning foliage in addition to physical manifestation, but only known witness died thousands of years ago after being lost in the desert for 40 years due to lack of Mapquest.
Address: Heaven
Political Affiliation: Independent
Media Contact: Holy See, Vatican City (Offices also in Salt Lake City, UT; London, UK; Shao Lin Temple, Tibet, PROC)
Turn-ons: Forgiveness, Charity, Puppies
Turn-offs: Taking his name in vain, Covetousness, Athletes who tell reporters he was "on their side today"

As you can see, it's pretty easy to tell the two apart. But then I started thinking of the similarities between the two:

1) In their early work they were portrayed as violent and wrathful - destroying cities, crushing the weapons of their foes, etc. (e.g. Old Testament God, Original Godzilla movie) but later work revealed their softer side (e.g. New Testament God, Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster).

2) Both have one son (e.g. Jesus, Son of Godzilla)

3) Both can breathe fire (Well, I'm sure God could if he really wanted to. I mean...he's *God*)

Those are all I could think of. Still, maybe it's not as easy to tell God from Godzilla as one would think.

3 comments:

J.Bro said...

You should submit some version of this to mcsweeneys.net - it's totally up their alley, in terms of humor-style.

J.Bro said...

You should submit some version of this to mcsweeneys.net - it's totally up their alley, in terms of humor-style.

buffalotimmy said...

I have been confused for years about the diff between God and Godzilla. Thanks for helping me out! I sure hope the Pope knows the diff.

After all, Elmo seems equally disinterested in both...

I have a hard time believing that Elmo was traumatized by Katy Perry's decollatage after discovering that he had already "been arou...