Monday, March 21, 2005

Well of *course* it's the devil

The owner of a pet store in Indiana has recently discovered that one of his charges is actually an agent of satanic forces. When Dora's A-Dora-Ble Pet Shop recently burned to the ground in Frankfort, IN, he was amazed to discover that the only survivor was a little red-eared slider turtle - appropriately named "Lucky". However this story doesn't end there. The owner now claims that the markings on Lucky's shell have changed since the fire and now bear the likeness of, say it with me people - yes - Lucifer, lord of darkness.

You aren't scared? Well, notice that the story doesn't specify what happened to Lucky. Presumably, he's spending his days (before being auctioned on ebay and purchased by GoldenPalace.com) munching on unholy lettuce leaves and soiling the hands of the faithful with his evil turtle-pee if they try to pick him up. Beware, my brothers and sisters, of the reptilian anti-christ!

I mean honestly, wouldn't you think that Satan would choose a slightly more intimidating animal as his agent of darkness? I mean, what possible mayhem could a turtle cause? And what happens to all the other red-eared sliders now because of their new reputation for being the preferred embodiment of evil? Will gang members start snatching them up as signs of how tough they are? Will they start training them to be savage pit-fighters, taking them for walks down the street in little choke collars with metal studs?

I can only imagine what a pit-fight involving red-eared sliders would look like. I'm sure it would be a bloodbath...or, more likely they would circle each other until one of them pee'd on the other one and was declared the winner (so, does that make it a "pee-bath" rather than a "bloodbath"?). Oh, the horror...somebody call PETA

6 comments:

glacierman said...

The turtle is quite a powerful animal. In pTerry's book "Small Gods", a major god descends and takes the shape of a turtle. Quite a subtle way to influence the people around you.

Oh, and the turtle is a reptile, not amphibian.

grrrbear said...

Finally, someone I recognize!

The reptile/amphibial thing was noticed right after I published, but then I was sucked into another local visit to a supplier (pull handles this time). It will be corrected. But then, I wasn't a science major, so I'll use that as an excuse.

glacierman said...

Well, I must comment again. I tried to pick an alias that people would recognize if they knew me, but still be a bit mysterious.

Secondly, my wife commented that a possible nickname for Lucifer could be Luci (pronounced Lucky).

Lastly, all my sophomore biology students thank you for changing the amphibian reference to a more apropos reptilian concept.

J.Po said...

Dude! I've figured you out too, glacierman. But do you know who I am? Therein lies the mystery.

grrrbear said...

J.Po your moniker is not as mysterious as it could be. Perfectly appropriate, but not terribly mysterious. I'll bet glacierman figures it out way faster than his pigeons learned to count...

J.Po said...

Golly, I just laughed out loud about those pigeons. That was SO f'in hi-larious.

After all, Elmo seems equally disinterested in both...

I have a hard time believing that Elmo was traumatized by Katy Perry's decollatage after discovering that he had already "been arou...