Tuesday, April 12, 2005

I'm different! No...I'm *more* different!

Okay, you are walking through a pet shop and you see two cute little puppies staring at you from the cages. They look at you with their irrepressibly cute "come here and let me lick your face off because I love you so much" faces. You feel something welling up inside you. That feeling is:

1) "Gosh, I've always wanted a puppy to fill up that cold and empty feeling inside me since my last boy/girlfriend left me for the swimsuit model/rock star. I'm going to buy one"
2) "I wonder if I could train the Shih Tzu to mop my floor by jumping in a bucket of Mr. Clean and running around the linoleum without crossing over onto the good carpet?"
3) "Do you think they're devising a plan to to rise up and take over the pet store like in Amistad?"
4) "They look lonely. But nobody wears white until Memorial Day, so how could anyone coordinate them into an outfit? I bet they'd find a good home faster if they were blue or purple or something to match outfits of all seasons..."
5) "Whoa! Man those are some freaky lookin' monkeys dude!"
6) "Uh oh...shouldn't have had that circus peanut and licorice smoothie..."

Well, needless to say...one woman in West Fargo apparently thinks so too. This raises an interesting question - Why is it that in order to be "cool" and "attractive" these days you have to be "unique"? I'm as American as the next guy, but it just seems like our fascination with individuality is getting out of control. I mean, look at the lengths celebrities have to go to these days - particularly those who have always relied *entirely* on their uniqueness for their fame (as opposed to, oh, say "talent"). For example:

1) Boy George
Old (Uniqueness): Is he a boy or a girl?
New: Did he scalp himself or just spill a gallon of nail polish on his head?

2) Flava Flav
Old: Wears a massive clock around his neck and a crazy hat
New: Wears Brigitte Neilsen around his neck and a crazy hat

3) Courtney Love
Old: Brash and rebellious young rock star - married Kurt Cobain
New: Professional fashion faux-pas - used to be married to Kurt Cobain, remember? REMEMBER!?!?!

4) Jennifer Lopez
Old: Fly girl with a great butt
New: Covered in bling, but still "from the block" - claims to be a musician, actress, *and* fashion designer. Will be announcing election as Pope later this week.

Sigh...remember the simpler times when all it took to be weird was to wear funny glasses, eat Life cereal, or be Canadian?

1 comment:

Sophist said...

A friend of my uncle's is bipolar and while on a manic episode, she went to a dog store and bought ten dogs. Right after that, she stopped by a guava truck (this is all in Taiwan) and liked the guava so much that she got the guy to deliver 1000 guavas to her apartment.

So she had 1000 guavas and 10 new pet dogs (of the teeny tiny toy yappy variety). Her husband was not happy.

p.s. Boy George has been shellacked and will be joining Mao in the mausoleum.

After all, Elmo seems equally disinterested in both...

I have a hard time believing that Elmo was traumatized by Katy Perry's decollatage after discovering that he had already "been arou...