Friday, April 01, 2005

Perfect for those long, rest-stop-less drives

One of the fun things about working in my office is the overabundance of weird trade magazines floating around. Because we sell stuff from a variety of different markets, we have subscriptions to some oddly named and slightly pervy-sounding periodicals such as MAN (Modern Applications News) and Rubberworld. What’s more, sometimes the cover stories from these magazines are not your run-of-the-mill ad copy.

For instance, I passed by a copy of the March edition of Non-Wovens Industry that showed a geriatric woman playing tennis, aggressively returning a forehand shot. From the picture itself, I assumed that the issue would be talking about advances in sportswear for aging athletes. But no, the cover instead proclaimed a story called “The Adult Incontinence Market”. It turns out that when you write an article for these magazines, you’re allowed to go on and on and on in the most extreme detail possible. Apparently, once we all get old we lose complete control of all urinary functions whatsoever, and unless the non-woven fabric industry gets its act together, all the earth will be covered with people wetting themselves and their loved ones within the next 10-20 years.


The article itself is massive, outlining all the future advances and innovations coming to the “AI” market. It’s a good thing too, because now I’m scared to death of accidentally peeing on strangers when I hit 70 ("Hello young lady, I'd like to renew my drivers license please. Um...uh-oh...oh dear, sorry about that."). I find myself thinking, “How did pioneers survive without non-woven adult incontinence products? Did they rely on ultra-absorbent beaver pelts?” until I realize that most pioneers probably died of scurvy, were trampled to death by buffalo herds, or were swallowed whole by the now-extinct prairie boa constrictor long before “AI” became an issue.

My question after seeing all this was – did that woman whose picture they took for the cover story know what the picture was for? Because if I were her, I’d be a little piqued (not unlike the models who posed for the billboard PSA’s on domestic violence who are now suing the city of New York because the city left the ads up too long and now the models' friends think they actually did beat their wives). I mean she's out there showing the world that grandma's still got game, and probably was all excited that she was going to be in Sports Illustrated or something, only to find herself a front-page example of humanity's struggle against "leakage". It just serves as a reminder to all models everywhere - always read the small print. Something to remember before you start your modeling career, people…

2 comments:

DLAK said...

As I read your post vomit sprayed from my nose.

grrrbear said...

Don't worry, I'm sure the non-woven fabric industry will have a solution to that problem very soon.

After all, Elmo seems equally disinterested in both...

I have a hard time believing that Elmo was traumatized by Katy Perry's decollatage after discovering that he had already "been arou...