Today, a friend of mine forwarded me the faux BBC news article about the “lion vs. 42 Cambodian midgets” fight that allegedly happened last week in which a promoter in Cambodia staged a fight between an African Lion and 42 unarmed midgets. According to the “article” the fight was called when 28 of the midgets were dead and another 12 incapacitated due to broken arms or legs.
Naturally, I was skeptical and a quick Google search verified that the article was indeed a fake. After reassuring the people who had also been included in the mass email that neither calls to Amnesty International nor bill passage in the Senate promoting a lightning-fast amphibian invasion of Cambodia were going to help (after all, remember what Fezzini said about getting involved in land wars in Asia?). I got to thinking about something that has, I’m sure, crossed the mind of just about everyone who was exposed to the article: what sort of opponent could one set up against 42 unarmed midgets where the midgets would actually have a chance at victory? My quick list was as follows, along with whether the midgets would win or lose and why:
African Lion – Loss. Because when I read the article the first time, I kept thinking that the idea of the lion winning seemed credible. The story was bogus, obviously, but it wasn’t the fact that the lion won that I didn’t believe, it was that the government got 50% of the take. I mean, if I were a government and I knew that kind of money-making venture was going on in my borders, I'd want at least 80%...plus the pay-per-view rights.
100,000 South American Fire Ants – Loss. The Midgets won’t be able to slap fast enough, plus some of them may suffer from some sort of phobia that renders them panic-stricken by that many bugs. Again, the outcome would probably change if it were 42 midgets vs 42 ants...probably...
Bottlenose Dolphin – Loss. Assuming the fight takes place underwater, of course. With the dolphin's experience fighting in a 3-dimensional world, and the midgets' being slowed by their scuba gear and limited vision, it's no contest. If the fight were held on dry land, then I'll take the midgets...unless the dolphin sneaks a shank in his blow-hole in which case all bets are off.
Michael Jackson – Big win. All the moonwalking in the world wouldn’t save him from 42 wrathful midgets who just got their asses handed to them by a bottlenose dolphin.
Elliot Spitzer – Loss. Who’s ass hasn’t Spitzer kicked lately?
Darth Vader – UPSET WIN! With that many grabbing hands, odds are good that one of them would grab the batteries out of that breathing machine on his chest…Why did nobody think of this in the original trilogy?
Hardee’s Monster Thickburger – Loss. The Thickburger has enough fat and cholesterol to take down 100 midgets without blinking an eye.
The Salty Virgin Mary – Loss. Remember what’s behind the SVM? That’s right, a concrete wall. I don’t care how many midgets you’ve got, my moneys’ on the concrete.
Bernie (from “Weekend at Bernie’s”) – Loss. The guy’s already dead! Eventually the midgets would get exhausted and/or die of old age.
There you have it. Scientific proof that midgets can't fight their way out of a paper bag - even when grouped into a midget army. Hmmm...did you notice how in this case the adjective describes both the noun itself (having only 42 men in the army makes it a midget army compared to that of even, say, Denmark), and the composition of said noun (the army is made up of midgets). Fascinating... Anyway. That's what I spent my morning doing. Obviously, it's not been a horrifically productive day yet.
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