Wednesday, May 04, 2005

The assault on American values from the far right has gone too far!

Legislators in Texas are apparently up in arms about dancing. Not exotic dancing, mind you, which can be controlled through carefully monitored trapping and leg banding programs. No, our large belt-buckled brothers to the south are having a hissy-fit about cheerleading, of all things.

I know - I’m just as shocked as you are. I mean when you think Texas, you think of a bunch of drunken rednecks speeding around in pickup trucks covering the earth with their tobacco juice and trampling or shooting anything living within a 100 yard radius in all directions (with the exception of the area around Austin, which I have been to and found is actually quite nice and populated with reasonable and friendly people, and also millions of bats who are also reasonable and friendly). Despite that, they all claim to love America. Yet these same language-mangling, gun toting, America-lovers are talking about rounding up cheerleaders and putting them in camps!

Okay, maybe not camps. But still, it’s totally hypocritical. Texas was the first state to give cheerleaders asylum when they started emigrating from their native lands in central Asia in the 1970’s due to a Soviet crackdown on booty-shaking and cleavage. Unable to practice their native traditions of high kicks and human pyramid building, the Cjerlydrs (as their people were called at the time) sought political asylum in the USA. Because Texas was big and resembled the vast desert wastelands of Central Asia (with the exception of Austin which is a lush and verdant paradise populated by lush and verdant bats) the government decided to settle them around Dallas. At first, Texans weren’t quite sure what to do with them, but eventually the Cjerlyder people found work practicing their native traditions along the sidelines of Cowboys games. What started as “Celebrate Other Cultures Day” became a regular event when Cowboys management noticed that the drunken wahoos in the audience stopped their tradition of violent property damage during halftime to stare, transfixed at the Cjerlyder native dances. Since that day, the Cjerlyders have been assured a place in Texas society, and Americanized their name to “Cheerleaders”.

But now Texans apparently have a problem with the ageless traditions of their Central Asian guests. Apparently they now think that the dances are getting too “suggestive” and
want to ban Cheerleaders from high schools throughout the state. Obviously this is a complete farce. I mean, if you ban Cheerleaders, what’s next? Teachers? Night nurses? Naughty librarians? Where does it end? Thankfully, my good friends over at the ACLU have stepped up and launched a fight against this misguided legislation. This is why I’m a card-carrying member – to preserve the rights of immigrants from Central Asia to shake their booty in expression of their love for America, freedom, and mom’s apple pie.

1 comment:

Sophist said...

Those fucking commie Texans. I'm not wearing my "Texas Love" shirt any more.

After all, Elmo seems equally disinterested in both...

I have a hard time believing that Elmo was traumatized by Katy Perry's decollatage after discovering that he had already "been arou...