Monday, May 23, 2005

If ignorance is bliss, no wonder they're so chipper

One of the few part of my job that I enjoyed when I worked in Cleveland was the occasional business trip to someplace interesting (read: anywhere that wasn’t Cleveland). On several of these trips, I was lucky enough to be introduced to various areas in the state of Kentucky. For those of you who haven’t been there, it really is a very pleasant place. Lots of neat-o horse farms, lovely countryside, and some of the nicest people I’ve ever met. Yet, for a variety of reasons ranging from a proximity to Appalachia to an association with the deep south, Kentucky finds itself relegated to the intellectual basement when it comes to pop culture, right next to Alabama and Arkansas. Which is truly a shame. Yet it’s hard for me to feel too sorry for them when they keep coming up with stuff like the “Creation Museum” which is a $25 million theme park that promotes the theory that not only was the earth created in six 24-hour days, but that Adam hung out with (and named) the dinosaurs.

Of course, those of us in my generation are perfectly aware of this fact. Not only that, but we also know that man used dinosaurs to help accomplish everyday tasks such as earth-moving equipment (Apatosaurus) and record players (Pterodactyls). How can we be so sure, you ask? Simple, I used the same evidence that the creationists used – repeated viewings of old “Flintstones” episodes. I mean it’s right there on the screen! Photographic evidence that not only did the dinosaurs find gainful employment serving as household appliances but that they were paid for it (as evidenced by their repeated statements of “It’s a living!” in various episodes).

The most shocking part of this discovery is not that man and dinosaur lived in harmony, but rather that it brings to light a whole new theory of why the dinosaurs died out. Obviously, if dinosaurs had indeed died out 65 million years ago, their bones would have been discovered much earlier than when they actually started popping up in the 1800’s. What was actually happening was the industrial revolution – and as more and more household appliances that ran on electricity were invented, more and more of the dinosaurs found themselves out of work and homeless. Without any other marketable skills, they became hobos and rode the rails in search of their fortunes. Some of the smaller ones sold their skins to be used in the manufacture of handbags or shoes, used the money to buy fur coats and lived out their lives as house cats. The larger ones found work in the California gold rush as earthmoving equipment. Everywhere they went they were scorned by society. When they tried to join the army in the Civil War, they were rejected with excuses like “You don’t have opposable thumbs.” or “We don’t have any pants with tail holes.” and the like. In retrospect that was probably a mistake. Imagine how much shorter the war would’ve been if the union army had been comprised of Tyrannosaurs – “Chomp, chomp, chomp…okay, let’s go home.” Regardless, as the dinosaurs fell out of society, they were never buried (because they weren’t Christians, having fallen under the spell of persuasive Zoroastrian missionaries back in the 1700's). And suddenly their bones started showing up everywhere.

I can only imagine what other exhibits must be getting ready for display:
1) “Bone to Rock!” – A discussion of how dinosaurs bones were made of actual rock and minerals instead of mammal-like bone – thus explaining away that annoying “takes millions of years to fossilize bone” issue.
2) “Pea-Sized Brains have People-Sized Problems” (Sponsored by Zoloft) – An analysis of how mental illness caused all dinosaurs to be suicidal after the flood – thus explaining why there aren’t any around today while the much more well-adjusted mammals, birds and insects are crawling all over the place. Also, because they killed themselves, all dinosaurs are in hell.
3) “See? We Told you!” – An exhibit showing that many dinosaurs (most notably the Hadrosaurs or “Duckbills”) were noted for their liberal tendencies. Their advocacy of gay marriage, spear control, and that ridiculous separation of church and state all contributed to their disappearance when God smote them – exiling them to live in Canada.
4) “God’s Stenographer” – An exhibit telling the story of Edward Hucklefub, God’s immortal stenographer who documented in exacting detail the step-by-step process of creation and is the ghost-writer for the Bible. For those of you worried that Adam may not have been the first man (Adam not arriving on the scene until Day 6 and all), rest assured – Edward is a Woodchuck. As part of the exhibit, Edward will be brought out every spring on February 2nd to tell us whether or not we will have an early Rapture.

In truth, I really don’t care what that guy believes. Or even if he wants to build his silly museum. What bothers me is that people are willing to give the guy $25 million. I mean, of all the worthy charities out there doing things like feeding the homeless, fighting AIDS, and helping people out of poverty – THIS is the guy who makes the most sense? The guy saying that Fred Flintstone is more than just a multivitamin, he’s the inventor of the Triceratops?

Sigh…no wonder people rip on Kentucky.

No comments:

After all, Elmo seems equally disinterested in both...

I have a hard time believing that Elmo was traumatized by Katy Perry's decollatage after discovering that he had already "been arou...