Tuesday, May 03, 2005

The power of the web COMPELS you!

Does anyone know how these work? I'm fascinated with the obviously massive amount of programming that must have gone into designing them. The fact that modern-day computers are powerful enough to manipulate algorithms so complex that they can not only predict who wants to "bang" me but also how many times is frightening. Think about what would happen if this website got out to all of humanity? Dating as we know it would end, because everyone would just type in their name and favorite food to find out who wanted to jump their bones.

Just think! No more awkward blind dates that you know are destined for failure after minute #2. No more "It's not you, it's me" speeches given in a desperate attempt to slough off a massively co-dependant semi-stalker. No more screening calls to avoid the skeezy weirdo you gave your number to in a drunken haze at Funky Buddha. No more sitting at your computer for hours on end trying to assemble a Match.com profile that makes you sound nice but not boring so you'll actually get people to respond to your emails.

And where does it end? No doubt hundreds of government scientists are working feverishly in massive underground bunkers perfecting the next generation of this technology. Soon I'll be able to know what my kids will look like and whether they will have moved out by the time they turn 25 simply by entering my height and the color of my underwear. My election as president of the US will be foretold via my shoe size and the number of days since I last called my mom. And the likelihood that a particular woman will "Go Wild" on-camera will be determined by the number of vodka-cranberry cocktails consumed in the last hour and her proximity to a beach somewhere...wait...we have just been informed...yes, that algorithm has already been calculated by the scientists at the Tara Reid Institute for the Advancement of Nipple Exposure ("Finding new ways to embarrass ourselves since 1975!"). See how fast technology moves forward?! I'm agog, I tell you...

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