Wednesday, May 18, 2005

That Stiller kid had it all wrong

Tonight is one of those “big events” in life that I’ve often read about but never really experienced directly – meeting the GF’s parents for the first time. Don’t get me wrong; I’m actually looking forward to it. I figure that as cool as the GF is, her folks are bound to be equally cool. Besides, I always have Hollywood to fall back on as a source for all the do’s and don’ts of meeting parents.

1) Do bring your own swimsuit to their house, and leave the cat alone. Avoid lie detector tests when possible. Don’t play with fire around the gazebo.
2) Don’t take a shower in their hotel, especially if you hear loud violin music.
3) Don’t be a counselor in their summer camp; the mother will kill you. In subsequent years – STOP GOING TO THAT CAMP!
4) When invited to dinner don’t try to shoot the father with a blaster, he’ll only use the force to take it away from you. Then, he’ll freeze you in carbonite.
5) Don’t fall prey to the mother’s “trying to seduce” you. Even if she looks like Anne Bancroft.
6) If mom is berating your significant other, do stand naked in front of her and tell her about the glories of her child’s activities on behalf of a local revolutionary movement. Then, if your significant other is ever crucified, leave them there – and tell him you finally understand their teachings.
7) If you’re invited to meet the parents at their house during a dinner party with their friends, and the conversation lapses or is filled with awkward silences, do get everyone to do body shots.
8) When you are squiring your date away at the end of the movie, do make sure that dad sees your brand new red Porsche 928. Then he’ll approve of you and let you drive off to the cake you baked for her. Even if you are too broke to buy chairs.
9) Don’t mention that your career plans include professional kickboxing.

Naturally, I’ll be on my best behavior. I assume that as long as I don’t spill anything on her mom’s dress, drink too much, or pick fights with the waiter I’ll be fine. Since none of those are normal problems – I’m not worried. Of course, if the waiter drinks too much and picks a fight with her mom’s dress then all bets are off.

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