But I *love* maple syrup!

The Canadian parliament passed a bill last night legalizing gay marriage. I’m a little saddened by this because if the conservatives are right (and when aren’t they?) this will result in the collapse of Canadian civilization, as all canuck children rush out to join the happy throngs of cheerful, well-adjusted homosexual married couples. After all, the only reason I stayed straight my whole life is because I know that gay folks can’t get married – it has nothing to do with my appreciation for breasts at all…nope.

Even sadder is that once all little Canadian boys and girls “jump the fence” they’ll grow up completely unable to have children, so they’ll have to resort to adopting all the orphaned and abandoned kids from overseas – stealing the future from backwater countries like the United States. This will result in the US Congress declaring a trade embargo on our brothers to the north – banning any future arrangements where healthy, impressionable American babies are taken from their crack-addicted, alcoholic, physically abusive parents and sent up to live with families of loving, emotionally stable homosexuals in their well-kept homes. The Canadians will retaliate by banning the trade of maple syrup, hockey, and comedians to the US.

The weight of these sanctions coupled with the non-existent birth rate will result in the total collapse of Canadian civilization. Entire communities will be dissolved as the Canadian society devolves into a Road Warrior-like semi-nomadic existence. Bands of gays will wander up and down the Trans-Canadian Highway searching for fuel, children, and new curtains for the RV from Bed Bath and Beyond Thunderdome.


Yep…sure glad I live here in America, where
we keep our priorities straight.

Comments

ThatIsMeWhat said…
Very well put. As usual, your writing is colorful and insightful.