The sad state of science in Ohio

A recent study by some crackpot at Miami of Ohio university has come to the conclusion that when one compiles a list of which states in the lower 48 have the most lakes – Minnesota is not at the top of the list. Instead, Texas tops the list with 269,976, followed by Florida, Oklahoma, Kansas, Missouri, Mississippi and then Minnesota. When queried about the obvious unusual nature of his results, the lead researcher stated that it had to do with the way the study was conducted – by reviewing satellite photographs, looking for any body of water large enough to show up on said photos (i.e. about 100 feet across or more) which would include things like water hazards in golf courses, cow ponds, and large swimming pools.

This should serve as a warning to all parents of children studying at Miami of Ohio to pull their students out immediately, as they are being taught by doodooheads. Any study which shows Minnesota in any way inferior or subordinate to Texas must be immediately taken with a grain of salt unless it involves one of the following statistics:

• Per capita sales of Jeff Foxworthy memorabilia
• Average temperature in July (warmest to lowest)
• Proportion of School Board members without High School Degrees
• Percentage of residents using middle name as part of their given name
• Per capita consumption of chewing tobacco, DVD box sets of “Hee Haw”, “I’m with Stupid” t-shirts, or mud flaps with the “nekkid lady” silhouette

Seriously, why would anyone call a cow pond a “lake”? It’s absolutely criminal to refer to some of the crap this guy is calling “lakes” as such. I mean, just because it looks like a lake from space – doesn’t make it a lake. I mean think of all the things that could possibly be confused with what they actually are when viewed from 100 miles or so directly overhead:

Example (Looks like from space) Actually is
Kilimanjaro (A zit on the face of Africa) A giant mountain
Paris Hilton (A talented actress) This year’s Christina Aguilera
Wyoming (Colorado) That other square state
Runaway Bride (Poor victim of hype) A zit on the face of marriage

So come on Professor Doodoohead. Get out of your ivory-colored vinyl-sided tower in Athens and come on down to reality. Once you’ve done that you owe everyone in Minnesota an apology. We’re a forgiving people, but it might not hurt to bring everyone a nice jell-o salad to help “grease the wheels”.