Boobs will cause the fall of western civilization

Look how low the supposed standard of American journalism has fallen. I don’t know whom I care less about – the people buying the clothes or the designers. Apparently, it’s a big problem, but I fail to see how anybody at the Times would have actually chosen this as a story to pursue.

Editor: Hmmm…what’s going on today? Starvation in Niger…Iraq mess…Supreme Court hearings coming up…bah. It’s all been done Johnson!

Toadie: Yes sir!

Editor: If only there was something our readership could all get behind. Something that would speak to the masses! Some great sea-change in society that will really get people up in arms…wait a minute. I know! Boobs! We’ll write a story about how massive boobs are ruining the designer dress industry!

Toadie #2: [Bursting into the room] Sir, another attractive white
girl has gone missing!*

Editor: GREAT! Run that on page 1 above the fold! Bump the boob story to page 7 or something…

Since when did J.J Jameson become editor of the New York Times? The really sad thing though is that they assigned a guy to write the story. Hopefully he’s outrageously gay, otherwise I’d feel sorry for him having to go up to women and interview them about how it’s so hard having unnaturally large breasts without coming across as a complete perv. “But, I’m a writer for the New York Times! I’m researching a story!” he’d say. To which they would respond “Sure you are, freak. Now stop following me! SECURITY!!!” At least if he were completely flaming he wouldn’t attract the wrong sort of attention.

In any event, who am I supposed to sympathize with in this story? The shallow, self-absorbed women with their unnatural F-cups or the obscenely rich designers who (from what I can tell after watching a few hours of E! during fashion week) are completely arrogant twits. I think instead I’ll feel sorry for the sales guy in the store, who has to convince Barbie Jr. that she needs to buy a size 12 dress in order to keep the girls under control and then spend another grand or two getting it altered. Yeah, that conversation would go over about as well as the doctor telling his fat patient to lose weight.

*Relax, worried readers. I’ve since learned she has been found safe.

Comments

towwas said…
Damn you, are you going to make me defend modern journalism? Let me explain: the point is to laugh at EVERYONE in the story. Actually, I saw this story in the Times several days ago and was like, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. I think I only read up to the jump.

Anyway, I think I'm going to puke the next time I see another here's-what's-going-to-happen-in-the-Roberts-confirmation-hearings story again. Because nobody has the slightest idea.
Unknown said…
My heart just breaks for some people! If I hadn't already given $100 to the duck fund, I'd make a donation to the DD-Alteration charity.