Ahh, hurricane season. Six months of low-level meteorologists cheating death at the beach, massive gas price swings, runs on plywood sheeting, and opportunities for news headlines that give copywriters wet dreams. Week after week, we see the horrific devastation caused by these storms, and are treated to heart-rending pictures of families surrounded by their leveled homes.
I know it may seem a little callous, but am I the only one who doesn’t really feel all that sorry for these people? Hurricanes happen, and everyone knows that they happen all the time in Florida. Frankly, I think that hurricanes are God’s way of telling people that we shouldn’t be living in Florida – that it was originally intended to be a giant swamp and home for retired manatees. If they didn’t lack opposable thumbs, I would spread word that hurricanes were actually caused by evil manatee mad scientists. It’s entirely plausible, working in secret underwater lairs in their white coats and horn-rimmed manatee spectacles that they have devised a machine used to generate massive low-pressure centers – built entirely of mangrove roots and held together by their own poo. But, since they don’t have opposable thumbs, I have to assume it’s God – or, to be politically correct, some unnamed higher power practicing what I like to call “intelligent eviction”.
So, why don’t we just solve this problem and move everybody out of Florida? Turn the entire state into a giant wilderness where crocodiles can form their own democracy under the “one bite, one vote” doctrine. Resettle the former Floridians in the sparsely populated areas of North Dakota, Kansas, Alaska, and the Oklahoma Panhandle where they will provide a much-needed boost to the labor force, and the job market too since we’ll have to move Disney World there. Then everybody wins! The gators get their own country, rural America will be revitalized, God stops trying to exterminate everybody, and nobody worries about Florida screwing up the next presidential election for everyone! Wow, this idea sounds better and better…
I know it may seem a little callous, but am I the only one who doesn’t really feel all that sorry for these people? Hurricanes happen, and everyone knows that they happen all the time in Florida. Frankly, I think that hurricanes are God’s way of telling people that we shouldn’t be living in Florida – that it was originally intended to be a giant swamp and home for retired manatees. If they didn’t lack opposable thumbs, I would spread word that hurricanes were actually caused by evil manatee mad scientists. It’s entirely plausible, working in secret underwater lairs in their white coats and horn-rimmed manatee spectacles that they have devised a machine used to generate massive low-pressure centers – built entirely of mangrove roots and held together by their own poo. But, since they don’t have opposable thumbs, I have to assume it’s God – or, to be politically correct, some unnamed higher power practicing what I like to call “intelligent eviction”.
So, why don’t we just solve this problem and move everybody out of Florida? Turn the entire state into a giant wilderness where crocodiles can form their own democracy under the “one bite, one vote” doctrine. Resettle the former Floridians in the sparsely populated areas of North Dakota, Kansas, Alaska, and the Oklahoma Panhandle where they will provide a much-needed boost to the labor force, and the job market too since we’ll have to move Disney World there. Then everybody wins! The gators get their own country, rural America will be revitalized, God stops trying to exterminate everybody, and nobody worries about Florida screwing up the next presidential election for everyone! Wow, this idea sounds better and better…
Comments
Moving people out of Florida seems like a good idea. (Ok, it doesn't, but we'll start there for the sake of argument.) But where would you put them where they'd be free of natural disasters? North Dakota, hello tornadoes? California, where they could wake up under a pile of apartment rubble? Hell, even Maryland gets the odd tornado. And of course there was that gimondo earthquake in Missouri in the early 19th century. Where are we safe?