Don't confirm until you see the whites of his eyes!

The Olsen twins have really grown up. From chubby-faced, weird-looking babies they have morphed into Skeletor-faced, weird looking multi-millionaires. And they continue to really find their footing as they settle into their lives as power-hungry mega moguls. In the most recent development, they have announced that after having no success in finding acceptable boy toys on the market they have decided to grow their own. Spokespersons for the pair explained that this strategy was due to both competitive pressures from Demi Moore and Cameron Diaz and the fact that statutory rape laws limit their pool of available options.

On a completely different topic, how long do you think it will take before this picture shows up in your inbox?

It’s a close-up picture of Chief Justice nominee John Roberts at his nomination hearings. I knew that the process was a stressful one, but after seeing this shot I’m pretty convinced that I don’t ever want to be nominated for any government post ever. Unless I can take liberal amounts of muscle relaxants and am allowed to wear sunglasses. Maybe if I feign blindness or a super power…

SENATOR CARROT TOP: “Mr. Bear, this is a congressional hearing, would you mind removing your glasses for the committee?”

ME: “Mr. Senator, I apologize, but due to a genetic mutation, if I remove these glasses powerful beams of plasma energy will shoot forth uncontrollably from my eyes. In the interest of your personal safety, I would request that I be allowed to keep them on.”

SENATOR BONO: “Really? Well, the committee appreciates your tact and concern Mr. Bear. How long have you been suffering from this mutation?”

ME: “About 15 minutes now.”

SENATOR ROBERT BYRD: “I like jello!”

And it would go on from there. So tune into CSPAN-17 in about 30 years and catch the rest! Although, maybe I’ll be trumped – Roberts’ eyes look like something’s going to shoot out of them any second, maybe he’s just saving it for dramatic effect on day three.