The first full day spent in Minneapolis was spent at the Minnesota State Fair. For those of you who have never attended this extravaganza of gluttony, it consists of three main sections that essentially boil down to food (deep fried, and almost universally on a stick – even spaghetti), farmin’ (cows, chickens, alpacas, quilting, jams, dairy princesses), and fun (the midway).
The adventures of the GF and me at the fair began with me meeting up with my friend I’ll refer to as "Doctopussy" in light of the fact she’s currently in med school and she’s not one to be trifled with – much like the anti-heroine in the Bond film of the strikingly similar name, except without the cadre of unitard-clad gymnast ninja-assassins. After catching up and doing introductions we headed off in search of my holy grail of the day – the deep fried Twinkie. Mercifully, we had happened to enter the fairgrounds right next to where the DFT stand was positioned. Thus allowing me to start off my fair day in the best way possible – chock full of cholesterol. It turns out that they don’t just deep fry the Twinkie, they coat it with some sort of cake batter first. I theorized that this was designed to protect the delicate structure of the Twinkie from the ravages of the searing heat of the boiling oil. And sure enough, after simmering in the oil for what semed like 5 minutes, the Twinkie emerged covered with a crispy batter outside, yet inside the Twinkie itself was warm and gooey. Sort of like an éclair, but without all the nutrients. The GF and Doctopussy also tried a bite, and found it delicious. But only I was able to feel the full effect, as the hardening of my arteries more than offset any decalcification my bones have suffered over the last five years in only 30 seconds!
Another odd thing about the DFT is that it magically caused my stomach never to fill throughout the day. Here is a brief list of everything I consumed in the six hour period I was in the fair: (WARNING – DO NOT TRY TO EAT THIS COMBINATION OF FOOD AT HOME! I am a professional junk-food muncher…)
1 Deep Fried Twinkie (with powdered sugar and chocolate sauce)
1 Corn Dog (with ketchup)
2 bites of Doctopussy’s Cotton Candy bag (the size of a pillowcase)
1 Bite of the GF’s Cheese on a Stick
1 Funnel Cake
1 serving of Cheese Curds
½ of a Dole Whip cone (pineapple)
5 Chocolate Chip Cookies (with milk)
1 Deep Fried Snickers Bar
Suffice to say, I didn’t eat again until lunch the next day.
About the time I had finished munching on the GF’s cheese-on-a-stick, she expressed a desire to hit one of the funhouse rides that ordinarily travel the highways of America’s backwoods looking for rednecks to swindle out of their money. I was game for that, so we got in the little car and headed in for almost 20 seconds of spine-indifferent terror. Since it was daylight, we could pretty much see all the “animatronic” creatures before they activated, which somewhat deflated the experience. It was fun, but in a hokey “Hey, that was as realistic as Daniel Laruso’s shower costume in Karate Kid” sort of way. But little did I know that the GF had plans for me. A few minutes later (right after consuming a vast plate of funnel cake) she told me she wanted to go on MAGNUM PI – THE RIDE, which resembled the bastard offspring of a drunken coupling between The Scrambler and a Tilt-a-Whirl only covered with painted likenesses of Hawai’s most famous detective since Hawaii Five-O. It was a much more aggressive ride, and lasted for a good 4-5 minutes. Ever the trooper, the GF also gave new meaning to the term “screamed like a girl” which made the ride way more fun than it ought to have been, so I give her props for stepping up. It was a good time.
After finishing at the Midway (where, incidentally, the GF also won her own stuffed dog in a rousing game of Whack-a-Mole, which I attribute to her blatant use of performance-enhancing whackabolic steroids) we headed over to the farm animal exhibits, where the GF and Doctupussy cooed over all sorts of baby animals.
But that’s for tomorrow. Don’t be upset – there’ll be pictures to make up for it!
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