Betcha Billy Graham never figured this out

There was a mention of transubstantiation in this week’s ALP that got me thinking yesterday. Okay, so we know the catholic church teaches that in the eucharist the bread and wine actually transforms into the body and blood of Christ (side note: interesting that Microsoft Word will automatically capitalize “Christ” and “Buddha” but not “allah” or “bill gates”…hmmmmm…). We also know that there are about 1.2 billion members of the catholic church. For the purposes of this thought experiment let’s assume that your average catholic receives one ounce of wine and one ounce of bread with each serving of communion. This translates into about 75 million pounds of Christ and 9.375 million gallons of his blood consumed by the faithful every week. And this has been happening for almost 2000 years. This would imply one of the following is true:

1. Jesus is morbidly obese. Not Star Jones obese, not Eric Cartman obese, not “Those Two Fat Guys on the motorcycles from the Guinness Book” obese. We’re talking Jabba the Hut inter-bred with a blue whale and an Ob mouse*. We can assume this because if he wasn’t this big, he would have been entirely consumed by his faithful by this point.
2. Alternatively, Jesus has superpowers like Wolverine, which causes his body to quickly regenerate when it is damaged (e.g. when Pope Benedict takes a bite out of his shoulder). This makes him a bigger force for good, and no doubt puts the fear of god into the forces of evil pondering strategies for armageddon. And think, what if Jesus has the retractable claws and adamantium skeleton, too?
3. Jesus has secretly been replacing his genuine body and blood with Folgers crystals for the last 1500 years or so. And nobody has noticed!

Frankly, I like the thought of Jesus as the superhero. Of course, "Jesus Christ" would be his secret identity. His superhero name would be something like “Captain Humble” or “The Cheekturner”. Look out infidels, now there’s something “meek-ier”!

*A little biology humor for the scientists out there…you know who you are.