I'm too e-sexy for my profile

Well, we knew it would happen eventually. The effervescent charm and devilishly handsome good looks radiating from my friendster profile have resulted in complete strangers messaging me to confess their deepest attractions. Compelled to contact me, they type without knowing how to approach someone of my uber-geekboy sex-godliness. Let’s examine, shall we?

Hey sweet thang, how are ya doin? Just saw ur¹ profile on friendster and id² really like to get to know you.. Im³ Julie, 18/F⁴ just lookin for a cute guy to chat with..⁵ maybe even more.. ;)⁶ Got n-e more pictures? I have a bunch of pix on my homepage here at [yaddayaddayadda]⁷ ... I also left a personal message for you at my homepage⁸. Lets talk soon... unless my beuty intimidates you⁹.. HehEh¹⁰

<3¹¹ Julie

1. UR? You saw a profile of the ancient Babylonian city of Ur on Friendster? How did you get my name from it? I’ve never been east of Paris...

2. AAUUGGH!!! I loathe people who don’t use apostrophes!!!!

3. AAAUUUGGGHHH!!! DITTO!!!!!

4. 18 divided by F? Hmmm…obviously some sort of secret code, like that Divinci guy is always talking about. How do I get to the Louvre again…

5. And abuse punctuation, obviously. Quick!, Somebody stop her before she makes another possessive or declarative statement!

6. More than one guy to chat with? I’m confused, do you want to chat more than once?

7. URL removed for everyone’s safety. God knows what sorts of spyware in automatically downloaded when I was…umm..researching for this post. As we speak my PC has probably been jyhacked and is frantically emailing offers for free porn and penis enlargement to everyone in my address book (Hi mom!).

8. Wait, so, this is an “impersonal” message? Didn’t you just solicit me? I feel so used and dirty…

9. Not really, it’s the inability to spell that scared me the most. Where’d you go to high school? In case I ever have kids I want to not send them there.

10. "Heh-Eh"? What is that - a chortle…then mild indifference? Boy you sure run hot and cold…um...security? [taps alarm button under desk frantically] SECURITY!!!

11. What the heck is this? Is it supposed to be boobs? Did I just get flashed? Do I have to give her e-beads? Okay, here you go crazy-woman:

0-o-0-o-0-o-0-o-0-o-0-o-0-o-0-o-0-o-C

Yay e-beads! Wheeeee!!!! OMG you're sooooooooo drunk!!!

It’s things like this that make me appreciate the GF even more. All the bars in Lincoln Park are full of trixies like this. But she’s the perfect storm – smart, funny, and sexy as hell. She’s my rain in the desert, my third encore, my concience-provoker, my biggest fan, my intellectual foil, and my true, true friend. “Julie”, you got no chance.