I’ve always considered Scientology to be a lot like Trekkies or Alien abduction victims – a small group of weirdos who gather periodically to discuss how aliens are among us and we just don’t realize the effects they have on human life. Also, I assumed that the only people who were Scientologists were Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and all the women that have dated Tom Cruise or John Travolta (e.g. Mimi Rogers, Kelly Preston, Katie Holmes). This is why Scientologists built John Travolta, and later Tom Cruise – to increase the number of believers by seducing human women. Both of them are actually androids and made of a combination of titanium and silly-putty. This is why you never see Tom Cruise reading a newspaper – it would imprint on his hands and people would start asking questions.
But I just found a list of Scientologists and worlds fail me. I am shocked. I mean, Nancy Cartwright is a scientologist? Isaac Hayes? How could both Bart Simpson and Chef fall for this? Jason Lee both Masterson brothers? I guess this disproves my theory about high levels of sarcasm serving as a way to immunize yourself against being indoctrinated by the alienphiles. Sure, Sharon Stone I can totally believe. The woman stars in one film and then suddenly starts acting like she’s a serious actress a la Katherine Hepburn – obviously, she’s just the sort of crazy person to be drawn to Scientology (just like Manson and Juliette Lewis).
I guess this just goes to show that just because you see someone on television every week for thirty minutes doesn’t mean that you actually know them. They may look like a 1970’s pot-smoking slacker wiseacre, but they might believe they are immortal otherworldly beings…or president of the United States.
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