We knew it was going to happen eventually. Drugs have cut across a vast swath of our society, affecting people of every class, every race, every location in the United States and, some would say, the world. If Nancy Reagan is to be believed, the eventual downfall of society is due not to terrorism, but instead to the powerful effects of drugs.
Yet the vast majority of us go about our lives as if drugs don’t exist. We go to work, we go home, we watch reality television, none of which expose us to the horrific effects of drugs. Well, maybe reality television does, but they don’t tell us that those people are crazy because of drugs. We just assume that they are crazy because they volunteered to be on a reality television show.
Well no longer can we sit ensconced in our safe little drug-free lives. Mother nature has taken matters into her own hands and forced drugs into everyone’s lives using squirrels. Yes, squirrels in big cities are uncovering drug dealer’s buried stashes of crack and becoming nature’s littlest crack fiends. Sure, it’s funny to imagine drug dealers returning to “work” to find all their inventory has been dug up and thrown around the yard, but imagine where it’s going to end?
Will gangs of squirrel junkies eventually go toe-to-toe against the Crips and the Vice Lords battling for turf? What will this do to inter-species violence? How will the police crack down on this latest wave of drug-induced terror when they lack squirrel-sized handcuffs? Will they have to train monkeys as a sort of “vice squad” since humans can’t climb trees as well as squirrels? Will those monkeys wear suits with t-shirts, shoes without socks and drive a monkey-sized Ferarri Testarossa? What happens if flying squirrels get hooked and start dive-bombing innocent civilians on the street in a drug-crazed frenzy?
Nothing good can come of this. Somebody call Hazleden – they better start developing a squirrel-centric detox program ASAP.
Comments
They found tens of dead lizards on the floor in a line that matched the rafter above, which was above the guy's bed. They figured out that the lizards had become addicted to the opium, and they had hung out on the rafters to get the second hand opium smoke.
But when the guy died, they just stayed there waiting for opium, going through withdrawel... until they died and fell off the rafters onto the floor!
At least the lizards didn't figure out how to light the bong and smoke it themselves.
I think the one I use was designed by someone who lives in some tropical country somewhere where they don't have winterwear. There are others that are probably more realistic. I'll have to check out to see if any are interesting.