Open for what? World domination?

On the way home from work recently, I noticed a disturbing pattern. The route from work to my home is lined with retail establishments. Some big-box retail but mostly small businesses; things like nail salons, insurance agents, small groceries and the like. Obviously, if you’re a small business owner you need some way to indicate that you’re open for business. Yet, with every passing block I found myself faced with the same “Open” sign. More accurately, the same three signs. It didn’t matter what the business did, the signs were all the same. Ever since then as I drive around town I can’t help but pick up on these three signs.

They all have the same basic design – a red “OPEN” sign surrounded by a blue border. The most common one is the Neon Oval design, which looks like this:

That is followed by the Neon Square:

And finally the newest entrant – similar to the Neon Oval but instead of neon it’s designed using LEDs which allow the lights to circle around the “OPEN” in a hypnotic swirling motion:

So why would these same three signs suddenly be everywhere? Why is it that in the last six months or so everyone has bought one for their business? The answer was obvious – underpants gnomes.

For those of you unfamiliar with underpants gnomes, they are master businessmen. However, their business plan was somewhat flawed:

Step 1: Collect underpants
Step 2: ??
Step 3: Profit!

Because the underpants gnomes couldn’t remember what Step 2 was, they had remained in their underground lair collecting huge mountains of underpants for use as raw material. Well, now it appears that step two involves installing their specially-designed “Open” signs in every small business in the United States.

Obviously, I don’t know how the gnomes plan to use their Open signs and massive stockpiles of underpants to profit. But considering how many underpants they must have by now, I don’t plan on sticking around to find out. I’m considering moving to Canada. Keep your eyes peeled as you move about your communities! How many Underpants Gnome “Open” signs are in your neighborhood? They may already be controlling your dry cleaner, your children’s day care! Yes, even your church…

Oh, the horror. I only hope my warning is not too late…