In case you haven’t heard about this yet – apparently two cheerleaders from the Carolina Panthers were arrested this weekend for disorderly conduct in a bar in Tampa. You can read the details for yourself, but I want to discount the alleged “they were boinking in the bathroom” side story that’s come out recently.
Let’s face it – there is no way that these two were having sex in the bathroom. Well, it’s not impossible, but let’s look at this logically. They were in a bar in Tampa so they were probably drunk. Okay, everybody in the bar was probably drunk because the only way anyone can live in Florida (considering the Floridian culture of ever-pervasive fear due to the possibility of future hurricanes, feral pythons, and/or the potential that someday the elderly might rise up and riot like the youths of the Paris suburbs) is to be drunk as much as possible. This explains a lot, like why they voted for Bush in two straight elections despite explicit messages from god telling them not to (remember the hurricanes last year?).
Anyway, if these two had actually had sex in the bathroom, and then told everyone in the bar about it, they would not have been arrested, they would have been instant heroes to every man under the age of 120 in the building. I mean, come on – lesbian cheerleaders going at each other like wild animals? What (straight) man wouldn’t buy them a drink just for telling them about it and single-handedly proving that the storylines of skinflicks can actually happen in real life?
Suddenly, every pizza delivery guy would know that some day one of their stops would be for a sorority house full of college girls in lingerie – none of whom had $10, instead wanted to make “alternative payment arrangements”. Every plumber would be inspired by the hope that their next call would be to a hospital where the night nurses would immediately ask him to “check their pipes”. And every off-duty cop could take solace that the next blonde he pulled over would flash the goods to get out of a speeding ticket. Any actual cops trying to break in and arrest them would have been swarmed by a horde of alch-emboldened ex-frat boys out to save their new heroines and preserve their deluded dreams.
Since none of that happened we must conclude that the sex didn’t either. More likely was that one of them was throwing up like Buckingham fountain in the summer while the other one was holding her purse, when one of the other women in line got tired of waiting and decided to start a rumor. Women can be vicious like that. Guys, not so much. We’d just go and pee in the alley behind the building.
Let’s face it – there is no way that these two were having sex in the bathroom. Well, it’s not impossible, but let’s look at this logically. They were in a bar in Tampa so they were probably drunk. Okay, everybody in the bar was probably drunk because the only way anyone can live in Florida (considering the Floridian culture of ever-pervasive fear due to the possibility of future hurricanes, feral pythons, and/or the potential that someday the elderly might rise up and riot like the youths of the Paris suburbs) is to be drunk as much as possible. This explains a lot, like why they voted for Bush in two straight elections despite explicit messages from god telling them not to (remember the hurricanes last year?).
Anyway, if these two had actually had sex in the bathroom, and then told everyone in the bar about it, they would not have been arrested, they would have been instant heroes to every man under the age of 120 in the building. I mean, come on – lesbian cheerleaders going at each other like wild animals? What (straight) man wouldn’t buy them a drink just for telling them about it and single-handedly proving that the storylines of skinflicks can actually happen in real life?
Suddenly, every pizza delivery guy would know that some day one of their stops would be for a sorority house full of college girls in lingerie – none of whom had $10, instead wanted to make “alternative payment arrangements”. Every plumber would be inspired by the hope that their next call would be to a hospital where the night nurses would immediately ask him to “check their pipes”. And every off-duty cop could take solace that the next blonde he pulled over would flash the goods to get out of a speeding ticket. Any actual cops trying to break in and arrest them would have been swarmed by a horde of alch-emboldened ex-frat boys out to save their new heroines and preserve their deluded dreams.
Since none of that happened we must conclude that the sex didn’t either. More likely was that one of them was throwing up like Buckingham fountain in the summer while the other one was holding her purse, when one of the other women in line got tired of waiting and decided to start a rumor. Women can be vicious like that. Guys, not so much. We’d just go and pee in the alley behind the building.
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