All of the media hype about bird flu in the last few months is a mixed blessing. Yes, it’s something that people need to be aware of, particularly if you are a chicken herder in the south of China. But as TOWWAS will no doubt agree, all sorts of dangers to mankind are getting pushed aside by the bird flu media mammoth. World AIDS day was yesterday (I think…) and other than the funny picture of the condom draped over the obelisk in Buenos Aires there wasn’t nearly as much coverage as there should be. Stupid bird flu…it’s such a diva.
What’s worse is that there are even scarier problems developing in Asia now. In Russia, the
native black squirrels are rising up in a show of violence unseen since the Bolsheviks popped a cap in the Czar. I love squirrels – they are funny, smart, acrobatic and (I thought) placed on earth purely for my entertainment. But now they are ganging up and killing dogs!? That’s just insane. And if they’re starting on dogs, how long before they start taking down people? What if some of these Asian Gang Squirrels hop a container ship to the States? We’re a collection of fatasses – a nation of sitting ducks ripe for the slaughter by this new “cuddly menace”. There’s no way Louie Anderson could escape their protein-decifiency-induced bloodlust, he simply couldn’t outrun them (as this computer-generated graphic clearly demonstrates).
Obviously, we need to do something. Given our recent experiences fighting insurgents…I mean enemies-of-democracy-who-smell-bad-and-behead-kittens-out-of-spite* maybe it’d be good to try something other than invading them. I suggest sending a crack squad of mooses over there to convince them all that they are, indeed, flying squirrels. The mooses could then convince them to go for a test flight off a cliff into the ocean, and then the world would breathe easier after the Asian Gang Squirrels go all Lemming into the sea! In the meantime, does anyone have any squirrel repellant lying around?
*Is that better Mr. Rumsfeld?
What’s worse is that there are even scarier problems developing in Asia now. In Russia, the
native black squirrels are rising up in a show of violence unseen since the Bolsheviks popped a cap in the Czar. I love squirrels – they are funny, smart, acrobatic and (I thought) placed on earth purely for my entertainment. But now they are ganging up and killing dogs!? That’s just insane. And if they’re starting on dogs, how long before they start taking down people? What if some of these Asian Gang Squirrels hop a container ship to the States? We’re a collection of fatasses – a nation of sitting ducks ripe for the slaughter by this new “cuddly menace”. There’s no way Louie Anderson could escape their protein-decifiency-induced bloodlust, he simply couldn’t outrun them (as this computer-generated graphic clearly demonstrates).Obviously, we need to do something. Given our recent experiences fighting insurgents…I mean enemies-of-democracy-who-smell-bad-and-behead-kittens-out-of-spite* maybe it’d be good to try something other than invading them. I suggest sending a crack squad of mooses over there to convince them all that they are, indeed, flying squirrels. The mooses could then convince them to go for a test flight off a cliff into the ocean, and then the world would breathe easier after the Asian Gang Squirrels go all Lemming into the sea! In the meantime, does anyone have any squirrel repellant lying around?
*Is that better Mr. Rumsfeld?
Comments
By "celebrity" I mean that he is far more of a celebrity in Minnesota than elsewhere - particularly now that his career has tanked considerably. They still love him in the home state, though!
I disagree about World AIDS day coverage. I saw a lot of stories about it, including a NYT editorial. And anyway, AIDS is huge and probably doesn't get enough attention, but I hate made-up disease days. AIDS should get coverage because it's newsworthy, not because it's AIDS day.
At the time, I was merely amused. Now I wonder whether he was just staking me out for the greater invasion. I shall watch my back.