"Honey, are you done downloading porn yet?"

I recently ran across an interesting article highlighting the differences between how men and women use the internet. Not that this is going to suprise anyone, but apparently, women use the internet for something called "communicating" and "building relationships". Whatever *that* is...

According to the article, women use the internet for "...emailing, getting maps and directions (after all, we men always know where we're going), looking for health and medical information, seeking support for health and personal problems, and getting religious information." Men, on the other hand "...are more likely to use the Internet to check the weather, get news, find do-it-yourself information, acquire sports scores and information, look for political information, do job-related research, download software, listen to music, rate a product/person/service through an online reputation system, download music, use a webcam, and take a class. Note there was nothing about 'nurturing relationships.'"

I beg your pardon Mr Fancy Internet writer but what do you call downloading pictures of Tara Reid's frankenboob if not "nurturing"? Obviously, this guy has no idea of the bonding that men do over stuff like this. The simple truth is that men use the internet for four main things - checking fantasy sports, watching funny videos, building our egos, and downloading free porn. Let's look at his list and categorize each, shall we?

  • "Check the Weather" - Fantasy sports, for the impact it will have on whether we start Jerome Bettis outdoors at Heinz Field or stick with Warrick Dunn indoors
  • "Get News" - Ego building. Appearing to look aware of current events makes us appear smarter and helps us get the ladies' attention.
  • "find do-it-yourself information" - Ego building obviously. We have to find the way to fid that flapper valve before the wife tries to hire a "professional"
  • "acquire sports scores and information" - Fantasy sports, obviously
  • "look for political information" - Downloading porn. Silly writer doesn't know that whitehouse.com is not "political information"*
  • "do job-related research"
  • "download software" - could be downloading porn or downloading funny videos
  • "listen to music" - Ego, learning about obscure bands makes you look cool
  • "rate a product/person/service through an online reputation system" - Ego feeding. There's no better way to make yourself feel tough than by ripping "noobyinBoise" for "his completely uninformed posting that Phantom Menace was the greatest film George Lucas ever made"
  • "download music" - didn't we just do this? Who downloads music but doesn't listen to it?
  • "use a webcam" - More porn, obviously
  • "take a class" - Ego, but this probably varies in success, depending on the nature of the "class" which in this case probably includes Trump University, taking internet quizzes, and "reading random Wikipedia entries for an hour"
*[Edit]: this would have been so much funnier if whitehouse.com was still a porn site. (sigh)

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