Well, after a few days without ‘net access and a few more days spend reveling in anticipation (and arrival) of the new year, I’m back to try and catch up on everything in the world that I’ve missed in the last few weeks. It didn’t really hit me how little I had paid attention to the news while I was gone until I got back and realized that I recognized none of the news stories I was seeing. Some of these have me seriously questioning whether I am morally obligated to watch the news every day – because apparently, seriously disturbing stuff happens when I stop paying attention.
For example – a woman in Dallas is complaining that the
Sesame Street character Elmo wants her daughter dead and has repeatedly threatened her little girl on multiple occasions. Apparently, Angela Bolls purchased a copy of the interactive book “Potty Time with Elmo” for 16-month old Miranda, in hopes that she would finally grow up and stop crapping all over herself so she could be competitive in the cut-throat world of toddler beauty queens*. But when she pressed certain buttons in the book, instead of saying “Who wants to try and go potty?” Elmo instead said “Who wants to die?”. Needless to say, little Miranda is probably crapping her pants every time she sees Elmo, which makes the book itself completely irrelevant unless Mom decides it can only be read in the bathroom whilst on the toilet. Hmmm…maybe this was the whole point…
But the real issue here is not whether Elmo wants to kill all non-potty trained children. Rather, I believe the real issue is why are we relying on interactive books to potty train kids? I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure that I learned how to use the toilet through a simple combination of praise from parents, and the deeply held sense of fear that I’d be the last kid to figure it out. I don’t remember my potty training exactly, but I do recall kids having to bring an extra pair of underwear to pre-school in case of “accidents” and thinking that those kids were obviously idiots. I mean, I was three, and even I knew if they couldn’t tell the difference between “that feeling” and their hole in the ground they were destined to a life of ridicule and shame. Please, I’d been around the block**.
Where does it end? Books telling you not to pick your nose***? Not to run into the street? How to wipe your own butt? Not to suck on paint chips in old houses? Eventually, Time/Life books is going to pick up on this trend and issue “MOM – The Series” where each month you get a new volume informing you of something else you should or shouldn’t be doing – thus allowing your actual mother to maintain her brunches with the girls and busy BASE jumping schedule.
Yeah…can’t wait for that.
* This last part is purely conjecture, but based on field observations of women from the south.
** Literally, it was the big accomplishment of 1978. I wasn’t allowed to cross the street, so I pushed the envelope as far as I could.
***I guess this has already been done…
For example – a woman in Dallas is complaining that the
Sesame Street character Elmo wants her daughter dead and has repeatedly threatened her little girl on multiple occasions. Apparently, Angela Bolls purchased a copy of the interactive book “Potty Time with Elmo” for 16-month old Miranda, in hopes that she would finally grow up and stop crapping all over herself so she could be competitive in the cut-throat world of toddler beauty queens*. But when she pressed certain buttons in the book, instead of saying “Who wants to try and go potty?” Elmo instead said “Who wants to die?”. Needless to say, little Miranda is probably crapping her pants every time she sees Elmo, which makes the book itself completely irrelevant unless Mom decides it can only be read in the bathroom whilst on the toilet. Hmmm…maybe this was the whole point…But the real issue here is not whether Elmo wants to kill all non-potty trained children. Rather, I believe the real issue is why are we relying on interactive books to potty train kids? I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure that I learned how to use the toilet through a simple combination of praise from parents, and the deeply held sense of fear that I’d be the last kid to figure it out. I don’t remember my potty training exactly, but I do recall kids having to bring an extra pair of underwear to pre-school in case of “accidents” and thinking that those kids were obviously idiots. I mean, I was three, and even I knew if they couldn’t tell the difference between “that feeling” and their hole in the ground they were destined to a life of ridicule and shame. Please, I’d been around the block**.
Where does it end? Books telling you not to pick your nose***? Not to run into the street? How to wipe your own butt? Not to suck on paint chips in old houses? Eventually, Time/Life books is going to pick up on this trend and issue “MOM – The Series” where each month you get a new volume informing you of something else you should or shouldn’t be doing – thus allowing your actual mother to maintain her brunches with the girls and busy BASE jumping schedule.
Yeah…can’t wait for that.
* This last part is purely conjecture, but based on field observations of women from the south.
** Literally, it was the big accomplishment of 1978. I wasn’t allowed to cross the street, so I pushed the envelope as far as I could.
***I guess this has already been done…
Comments
Or might Satan-loving Madisonians be targeting Valentine's Day next?