Like any red-blooded, Hooter’s loving American man, I spent a good portion of Sunday afternoon immersed in the Super Bowl and its related activities. Unlike most of the 90’s, the game itself has been a good run the last few years. But since the Minnesota Vikings seem heck-bent on crushing my hopes year after year by starting 7-1 and then finishing 1-7 before falling all over themselves in the wild-card round, I have become more of a fan of the Super Bowl accessories than I am the game itself (with the exception that the Steelers victory won me brunch from the GF at a future date - woo-hoo!). Given that, I now consider myself immensely qualified to judge them – probably more than I am the game itself. Thus, I present to you the first annual list of Grrrbear’s Really Insane Super-bowl Tie-in LameositY Awards – the GRISTLYs!
Stupidest Commercial: Gillette* Fusion
Come on, am I the only one getting tired of commercials implying that new razors are designed in secret underground bunkers in the middle of the desert by chisel-chinned men in lab coats using plasma streams and a particle accelerator? Although that would explain why it costs so friggin much for blades these days. Now that we have 6-bladed razors, anyone want to take bets on how long until we are being pushed bladed straps with 1000 blades that are applied to the face like a belt sander? I’m guessing about 6 months at this rate.
Stupidest Corporate Sponsorship Blunder: General Motors
In a game full of commercials for hybrid cars (Ford, Honda) and in a market where there is a waiting list for Priuses and lots full of unsold SUV’s you decide to use the Super Bowl to make a big splash for the new gas-guzzling Escalade – complete with new commercial (models dripping with what looks to be mercury - a nice environmental touch) and giving one to the MVP of the game (Hines Ward). Yeah, you understand what customers want, Mr. GM Marketing genius. Man, if I held GM stock I’d be selling it first thing after the game.
Stupidest Trend on Display: Facial Tattoos
Oh Aaron Neville, why? What happened to just making millions via recorded tripe with Linda Rondstat? Now you have to mar your face with bizarre patterns and weird shapes? Who looked at what Mike Tyson did to himself and said “Oh that looks good…”? Seriously, if this becomes the next big thing, what's next - eyeball piercings? It’s bad enough that all the girls who got the lower-back tats (“Might as well be a bullseye”) are going to be parading them around nursing homes in another 60 years, think of what will happen to a tattoo on your face when it gets all wrinkly and shriveled. What if the artist is a fan of MAD magazine and hides a secret image of a pair of boobs in the tattoo that only becomes visible when it’s old and folded-over? Yep, all the other residents will call you Boob-Face, that’s what.
Stupidest Halftime Show: the Rolling Stones
Please, someone make the NFL stop booking the oldest 
available act for halftime shows. I wonder if the only reason we didn’t get Lawrence Welk and a half-hour of polkas was because someone told Tagliabue that he was dead. I can’t believe that I missed Lingerie Bowl for this. Granted, there was Puppy Bowl II on Animal Planet, but I’d already watched that with the GF before the game started. So, given the choice of withered popstars vs a half-hour of scantily clad hot models playing grab-ass (pun most certainly intended) I’m taking the models next year. Even watching the Whopperettes pile on top of each other wearing scanty showgirl uniforms wasn’t as hot as you’d think it would be.**
Any other suggestions? If you missed any of the ads, they are here.
* How does Microsoft Word know that this is the correct spelling? I wonder how many other brands are in it’s spellcheck database…
** How do you think those girls are going to list that on their resume? Will they call themselves simply “Whopperette” or is there some sort of power hierarchy with some ingredients commanding greater respect than others (thereby encouraging them to describe themselves as "Bun", "Lettuce", or "Special Sauce". Considering that Brooke Burke got to be the top bun, that would seem that is the position to strive for - so maybe the pecking order is lowest to highest. But I would also expect that “special sauce” would kind of be looked down upon – yet it’s the second-highest ingredient...hmmm...so much to ponder. I think I need to review the ad again and again and again...
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