Once again proving that America hates nature, a college cheerleader has been dismissed from her squad because she happens to work at an "owl-themed restaurant". I mean honestly, what other reason could they possibly have for kicking her off the squad?
Who would have thought that having a restaurant named after a nocturnal flying carnivore would prove to be so successful? Not to mention that the whole "owl theme" seems to be successful even outside of the fast casual dining arena! I've been to two different trade shows for work where I saw some obviously owl-loving ladies were promoting various hardware items. Clearly, these girls were environmentally sensitive – their “owl-themed restaurant” uniforms used as little fabric as possible, and I think the nylon and spandex were 100% recycled.
But now it appears that the hard work these girls do promoting owls and their environs is being put down by the man and his cronies. America must not stand for this continued persecution of our youth, who seek only to express their love of owls in a safe and comfortable environment! I encourage all of you to write an email to the East Tennessee State University Athletic Department chastising them for their short-sightedness. Feel free to use the following template:
Dear Owl-Hater,
I recently read about your decision to dismiss Kimberly Sams from your school’s cheerleading squad. As an environmentalist and (choose one) [mother/veteran/Republican/person of color/patriot/famous Hollywood Celebrity/voter/coal miner’s daughter/disabled person/humpback whale], I am deeply concerned about this decision to destroy a young woman’s dreams for no other reason than her support for owls and the organizations that promote their interests.If this termination is allowed to stand, what does it say about America? What does it say about East Tennessee State University? You claim to be “the Buccaneers”, but
what do pirates have against owls? For that matter, what do buccaneers have to do with East Tennessee? Are you aware that “East Tennessee” is not even a state?Owls have contributed much more to America than buccaneers. Without Mr. Owl, we wouldn’t know how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop. Without Woodsy the Owl we’d all be up to our knees in pollution because nobody would “Give a hoot”. When was the last time a buccaneer did anything for America?
So perhaps you should not be so quick to judge America’s youth for no other reason than because she wants to proclaim her love of owls on her chest? I urge you to reconsider this miscarrage of justice and allow Ms. Sams to return to the squad so that she can continue to represent your fine institution both at the game, and away from it.
Thank you for your time,
[Insert name/alias/pseudonym/fingerprint/butt print here]
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