Dear Mr. Target CEO,
First I would like to thank you for being a regular reader of my blog. Your support is greatly appreciated by all of me over here. That said however I need to talk with you about an incident that happened to me in one of your Chicago-area stores last week.
Given that spring is upon us, it should come as no surprise that season allergies have also returned to spread their malevolent brand of evil throughout the sinuses and nasal passages of the populace. As you are probably aware, each year representatives of the various tree, grass, and shrub factions meet at the headquarters of the Legion of Doom* where they plan every detail of how they will make my life a living heck for the first three months of spring.
Mercifully, however, many stores (such as your fine institutions) carry a secret weapon to fight against the evil-doers: Claritin-D. A magical invention, these pills allow me to function like a normal part of humanity rather than becoming a whiny, cantankerous lout who would drive the GF to the edge of violence. Even better, your stores now offer generic versions of the drug, allowing me to avoid being fleeced by Schering-Plough like I was when Claritin was a perscription-only drug. However, because my allergies have recently become more tenacious, I require the version that includes the pseudoephedrine decongestant as well as the antihistamine. It's sad, but true, the loratadine alone doesn't cut it anymore.
This said, I want to let you know that I am aware that pseudoephedrine is used in the manufacture of methamphetamine. I am also aware that 96% of America must be addicted to meth, therefore requiring that anything containing pseudoephedrine be kept behind the counter and dispenced only by pharmacists. Obviously, the slavering masses of meth addicts can only be kept at bay by the calm, reasoned demeanor of a person in a white lab coat. The logic is perfectly clear why this is necessary, given that I am (obviously) unknowingly addicted to meth, my access to it must be limited as much as possible.
However, last week when I took the little "Take me to the counter and BEG for your meth fix you freak" voucher-card for a 10-pack of the Target-brand version up to the pharmacist. Handing over the voucher I asked for three boxes, figuring that would be enough to get me through the next couple weeks but not so much to have the DEA tackling me in the parking lot. The pharmacist informed me that she "could only sell me one box at a time". At that point, I noticed that there were three boxes of the OTC version of the drug behind the counter: a 10-pack and 20-pack of the brand name version, and the 10-pack Target version that I was trying to buy. The conversation between the pharmacist and me quickly went south from there:
P: "I'm sorry sir, but I can only sell you one box at a time."
GB: "But you *could* sell me the 20-pack box of the brand name stuff, right?"
P: "Yes sir."
GB: "So if I buy 20 of the brand-name pills, I'm a normal and upstanding member of society. But if I buy 20 of the generic, I'm going to rush off and turn them into meth in order to satiate the burning fire coursing through my veins, is that right?"
GB: "Listen, I'm not trying to be difficult here, but can you honestly tell me it makes sense to you that you can sell me 20 of the Claritin pills but you can only sell me 10 of the generic?"
P: "Sir, I can only sell you one box at a time."
At that point I left her alone. She was a nice enough young woman and obviously lacked the rapier wit and sense of sarcasm posessed by my other readers in her profession. She would only think I was being mean or crazy, which meant it was in my best interest to ease off, considering she probably had a button under the counter that would summon the DEA with a secret "Hey, there's an agitated drug addict over here you can bite!" signal that only their dogs can hear.
So now I come to you Mr. Target CEO, to discuss this ridiculous "policy" of yours. I understand the need to keep meth out of the hands of addicted people everywhere, but come on - rescrictions based on the number of *boxes*? Seriously, I had no idea people used the containers the pills came in to make the drugs, silly old me I thought they actually used what was *inside* the boxes! Foolish me, all that meth I haven't done must've cooked my brain.
Seriously, how about a restriction based on the actual *amount* of the drug being purchased instead? Especially since the only people allowed to dispense the stuff are professional pill-counters. I'm guessing it would be pretty easy for them to count to 20, then stop.
Particularly since boxes only come in 10- or 20-packs.
Thanks for your time,
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availability today! Neo-cons, don't forget to ask for your 15% discount!