Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Next up in 2012 - Hooters, The Movie!

Hollywood never fails to amaze me with its amazing ability to know exactly when America needs a pick-me-up movie featuring lots of young hot chicks flipping, spinning, and showing just how flexible they are.

In 2000, for example, America was mired in a kill-or-be-killed presidential campaign. Negative ads ran amok as Bush proclaimed himself so compassionately conservative that Gore wanted to put him in a lockbox. The internet bubble had just burst, so everyone was penniless in the streets, with only the hope of a $10 movie about competitive gymnastics to get us through the day. Sure enough, out comes “Bring it On!” – the film that taught us that all you need to do to win is wear short skirts and be perky. If only Al Gore would have watched this film…

1992 – Another presidential election this year as America begins the slow climb out of recession. Unemployment was high, and my hopes of getting a date to the senior prom were as low as they’d ever been. Then, just when things are at their darkest, out comes “The Cutting Edge” where we all got to watch as Moira Kelly skated around the rink in tight skating outfits. Dutifully following the film’s message of “Always go for the charming guy, even if he is kind of a rube”, America turns out in droves to elect Bill Clinton as president, ushering in an era so successful and problem-free that only 8 years later the biggest problems in America were deciding what “is” is and trying to resist Regis Philbin’s mind-games when he asks “Is that your final answer?”.

1978 – A time of confusion and ridiculously high inflation, America needed help. While the debut of “Garfield” helped somewhat, it only made the then-three-year-old me more confused by convincing me that lasagna was pronounced “LANG-sna”. Still, it was overwhelmed by the deaths of the pope*, the theft of Charlie Chaplain’s corpse, and the airing of “The Star Wars Holiday Special”. True to form, Hollywood was there to help us with “Ice Castles”. Granted, probably not as much exposed skin as in the first two, and the whole blindness thing was a bit of a downer, but Lynn-Holly Johnson was still hot, and it did involve figure skating so I’ll consider it the “first try” by Hollywood in this genre. Maybe full-length tight pantsuit-style skating outfits are sexy when you’re as high on coke as America was in ’78.

My point is that with America in the grips of divisive political infighting; mired in the non-civil** war in Iraq; facing growing trade, current-account, moral, and credibility deficits; and still desperately trying to figure out what to watch on Thursdays post Must-See-TV. Recognizing this, Hollywood is coming out with “Stick it” – a movie about what happens when all the girls from Bring It On drop the pom-poms and hit that pommel horse!

Why do I bring this up, you ask? Two words – Nadia Comaneci. She attended the premiere this weekend and apparently loved it so much that her heart leapt out from her chest, taking a good portion of her shirt with it.



Now, to be fair, I’m sure that most of the time she looks perfectly reasonable, and indeed there are other pictures of her that help alleviate the AIIEEEE factor. Cases in point:

But still, wowsers. Were I her, I'd consider suing that photographer.

*No, not that one, the one before him, and then the one before that guy.
** Un-civil? Anti-civil? Bizarro-civil?

2 comments:

The Phoenix said...

"Stick It" sounds like a bad porno instead of a movie about gymnastics.

towwas said...

I'd have to say the chest is pretty freakish in the picture with the pink top, too.