No wonder she's seemed so Kat-a-Tomic lately...

So Tomkat had their Tomkitten using the “silent birth” method. Katie had her epidural and did not actually eat the placenta. In a sign that all is well in Hollywood, Tomkat even gave birth just down the hall from where Brooke Shields was having her baby – and no slap-fests broke out between her and Tom. All is well and happy now and Baby and the Cruisers went home to begin a life of overcoming their inner Thetans.

Or so they claim.

You see, there are numerous inconsistencies in this whole story that lead me to believe something is fishy. Given how insane Tom is, why would he tolerate his baby to be born in the same hospital (or even the same county) as his nemesis Brooke? Moreover, why hasn’t the nation declared a national holiday and given us all a day off of work? Are they waiting for the birth of the “If she’s born in Namibia then she’s Namibian – that’s multi-cultural, right?” Ange-rad baby so we can celebrate both of them on the same day like we do for “Presidents Day”?

No, America – there is much more tot his story than we have been led to believe. But enough threads have broken loose that I can now weave them together in to a tapestry of truthiness* and reveal to you, my six regular readers, what actually happened this past week.

Let’s start with the (perceived) “facts”:

1. Tom and Katie are in lurve.
2. They had sexual intercourse, resulting in the impregnation of Joey Potter; thus causing Dawson’s Creek fans to feel a strange sensation of jealousy, happiness, and “eeeewww”.
3. Tom is really excited to be a dad (despite already having adopted two children with Nicole Kidman), so excited that he’s gone crazy.
4. Katie really is pregnant – we’ve all seen the tummy.
5. Tom and Brooke Shields loathe each other
6. Tom (and allegedly Katie) are Scientologists
7. The tomkitten is named “Suri”

Now for the threads of truthiness:

1. Tomkat hooked up just in time for the marketing campaigns for “Batman Begins” and “War of the Worlds”, and the baby was born just in time for the marketing campaign for “Mission Impossible III” and the premiere of “Thank You for Smoking”.
2. Katie’s belly looks unusually artificial in some pictures, causing some to speculate it’s just a pillow.
3. Brooke Shield’s child was nearly the exact same size and shape as the Tomkitten
4. Brooke and Tom had a very public argument about pregnancy about a year ago, while there were no deaths, Matt Lauer’s credibility as an interviewer was severely injured.
5. Katie has been pregnant for a year, and yet she hasn't seemed to gain weight anywhere but on her belly
6. “Suri” is Japanese for “pickpocket”.

So, weave these threads together and a scenario starts to look more and more plausible. First, Tom Cruise is obviously not human. I think the facts all point to him actually being Xenu, the ancient alien overlord who trapped all the Thetans on earth 75 million years ago. This would explain why he’s such a devout and aggressive Scientologist, and why he talks about eating placentas.

That said, it becomes easy to understand why he would provoke a public spat with Brooke Shields over drugs and post-partum depression. Not because he dislikes Brooke, in fact TomXenu believes she has very good genes, and would be the perfect specimen to use as his personal hatchery. But by provoking the public argument, he created distance between himself and Brooke, and made us all believe that there was no way either would have anything to do with the other.

Meanwhile, with society not believing that he was capable of having children, TomXenu needed a new plan, and fast. Unless he would maintain his illusion of humanity, he would never be able to keep the Thetans of the masses trapped inside our man-bodies. So he gave Katie Holmes a roofie-flavored shake at Johnny Rockets (following a failed attempt to ensnare Scarlett Johansson) and has used his mind-control to keep her passive and terminally smiley. He proposed to her publicly, and in the year since has whisked Katie around the world to show everyone just how pregnant she is, carefully equipping her with ever-larger pillows to make her seem actually pregnant. Meanwhile, he was monitoring the development of Shields’ baby via a remote webcam he secretly installed inside her uterus.

Finally, yesterday TomXenu knew it was time for the Shields baby to be born, he whisked Katie to the same hospital and same floor as Brooke. Then, he used his super powers as a Galactic overlord to stop time immediately after the birth of Brooke, Jr. Flying to his underground temple/lab with the baby, he worked with the Raelians to clone an (almost) exact duplicate of baby Shields. Afterwards, he flew back to the hospital, gave Brooke’s baby back to the nurse, deposited the clone in Katie’s arms, and restarted time. Then, he named his baby Suri as a little inside joke for himself. What better name for a baby you stole than “pickpocket”? TomXenu looked down upon his handiwork and smiled, assured of control of Thetankind for another millennium.

The weird thing is the more I think about this, the more I find myself thinking there may be a grain of truth to it.

* Due credit where credit is due – Steven Colbert invented this word. My word (“tchotchcumentary”) seems to be somewhat stalled now that VH1 has run out of 80’s to love.