I was *this* close to being "Proud to be an American"

News out of Florida is that the community of Boca is up in arms over the latest revelation that a young high school teacher named Erica Checillar was a member of the USA National Bikini Team, and had sexy pictures of herself taken before she was a teacher. Students of hers found pictures on the USANBT.com website, and naturally the parents found out about it because invariably word of the pictures got around to the school tattle-tale who proceeded to ruin it for everyone.

Now, I’m sure that many of you are thinking exactly the same thing I’m thinking about this whole fiasco. In an age of Mary Kay Letourneaus, Debra Lafaves, and Pamela Turners, it seems like our society has evolved into one where hot young educators can’t keep their hands off their kids. And now when a hot young educator finally demonstrates that not all sexy teachers want to boink their students, but happens to have earned some much-needed cash by joining the National bikini team, I can only think one thing…

…WE HAVE A NATIONAL BIKINI TEAM!?!?!? Where have I been for the past 31 years? I mean sure, I knew that the Swedes had one but I never dreamed that we had one to represent the good ol’ red white and blue. I feel like I’ve been a failure as a patriot! Damn the World Cup! I’m rooting for the girls from Florida from now on!

I wonder how international competition works for bikini teams? There's not much in terms of information on the website itself. I spent a significant amount of time reviewing all the documents available, trying to figure out where the rules were - but there was nothing. All I was able to figure out was what I could deduce from perusing the many pictures that are available. What I was able to determine is that competing on the USANBT involves modeling the USANBT official Uniform Bikini, mastering camouflage*, promoting property rights, and staging productions of Lil' Abner** costumed only in body paint. Erica herself must have been quite the competitor, since she has more pictures on the site than any of the other members that I saw. Amazing since she apparently has difficulty differentiating between a belt and a shirt.

But wouldn’t you know it. Right when America finally starts exporting something other than invasions, Rob Schneider movies, hypocritical foreign policy and manufacturing jobs; at the instant when we develop something that makes the world a better place and that foreigners might actually want to buy – we screw it up. Now the right-wingers will start insisting that the bikinis be modified to collect intelligence for the “War on Common Sense” and turn our girls into spies. Then they’ll be barred from international competition and boycotts will break out, raising tensions that lead to World War III.

Darn it. And here I thought there was hope for us yet…out bikini team would have totally kicked the Al-Quaeda team’s tushies.

* Probably in case they are needed for the War On Terror

** Warning - this link is probably not safe for work. But it's still funny.