Friday, June 09, 2006

At least it doesn't actually say "wedding" anywhere on it

One of the perks at work is the ability to buy stamps at the cashier’s desk instead of having to stop by the post office on the way home from work. While I don’t need to purchase stamps that often anymore* I usually go through a set of 20 every couple months. The only downside is that I don’t get to choose the design of the stamps I purchase. I get whatever the woman in the cube decides to hand me. Typically this isn’t a problem, because most stamp designs are so innocuous that nobody pays any attention. People don’t worry about the subtext when they get a letter stamped with Snoopy fighting the Red Baron or a picture of Hattie McDaniel.

But when I bought stamps this morning, I was a little surprised to find that they were from the “Our Wedding” series of stamps. For those of you not getting married this summer, this is a series that the Post Office designed to carry enough postage for either a heavy invitation + response cards in their big envelopes (the 2 ounce stamp) or the response card by itself to be pre-placed on the response envelope (a regular $0.39 1 ounce stamp). Looking over the booklet, I was spooked a little to see the frilly script across the top reading “Our Wedding Stamps”. Would ComEd think that I was sending them a wedding invitation disguised as the condo association’s electric bill? Would my mom pass out the next time I sent her a card for any occasion whatsoever? What would the GF say when wedding presents from The City of Chicago Water Department and the National Geographic Subscription Renewal Department start showing up at her doorstep? Moreover, how did they find out where we are registered when I didn’t get a chance to play with the IWT gun**!. Hopefully, I can get a hold of her before any of that happens and reassure her that we are indeed not engaged.

But this still raises the question of why we got a hold of stamps from this series as the in-house stamps to begin with? Are the folks in corporate accounting just trying to wreak havoc in the lives of singletons all summer? Or perhaps this is another tactic that the government is using to re-enforce “family values” – by trying to get as many of us married off as possible before we even realize it by disguising all our outgoing mail as wedding invitations! Man, those neo-cons are devious.

Or are they? Surely they realize that homosexuals send mail too, and that by disguising all mail as invitations they are tacitly giving their approval to gay marriage. Hee hee! Oh, that would be a fun meeting in the Oval office to spy on without a warrant, “Um, Mr President sir? There’s been a slight glitch in ‘Operation Get America Hitched’…”

* Thanks online bill payment!
** “I Want That!”

1 comment:

Grafs said...

While laughing through your post I was going to comment on the possiblity of same-sex marriages equally being promoted by the stamp. Here are some swell stamp ideas to irritate shrub:

Marriage: One man, one refrigerator*
Marriage: One woman, one house*
Marriage: One woman and herself*

*All actual marriages that have supposedly taken place

After all, Elmo seems equally disinterested in both...

I have a hard time believing that Elmo was traumatized by Katy Perry's decollatage after discovering that he had already "been arou...