Thursday, June 22, 2006

Coke will eventually brand our urine, and charge us to flush it

News around the city for the past couple weeks has been particularly focused on the latest drug craze to sweep through the streets - heroin laced with fentenyl, which is some sort of uber-painkiller. Allegedly, the addition of this stuff gives the heroin addict a stronger high - but it frequently causes unpleasant side effects like death. Because of this, there were *two* different conferences in the city last week where police and public health experts met to discuss how to most effectively find the source of these tainted drugs so they could be removed from the system.

Sounds like a good idea, sure. But here's my question - why aren't we having meetings like this to talk about finding the source of the regular heroin? What, is normal heroin acceptable now? Is it the equivalent of Tylenol, where the only time society gets all up in arms is when someone has tainted it with something that is not supposed to be there? If so, when are they going to shut down production of Diet Black Cherry Vanilla Coke*?

The fact that the DEA hasn't put the extra effort into finding all sources of heroin makes me question whether the master source of it isn't actually the Coca-Cola company, which has been able to buy them off with big payments to lobbyists. If this is the case, then I anticipate that "Diet Coke with Heroin" is only months away from market. "Not only does it have zero calories - but is also eliminates all desire for food altogether and makes you look like Nicole Ritchie!"

Of course, this means that the fentenyl has obviously been introduced to the heroin supply by agents of Pepsi, working to prevent the launch of Diet Coke with Heroin until after Pepsi releases its Diet Pepsi with Crystal Meth. Looks like the cola wars have a whole new front...

* There's entirely too many "somethings" in a soft drink with a name that requires five words

2 comments:

Grafs said...

If I had to guess, I'd say they're spending more time on fentanyl because it is a legal RX drug. Maybe they think they have more of a chance of controlling it? Whatever the case is, it's always so interesting to hear of the new drug craze.

The Phoenix said...

Leave it to addicts to get creative. Soon, they'll find a way to get high off of sand.

After all, Elmo seems equally disinterested in both...

I have a hard time believing that Elmo was traumatized by Katy Perry's decollatage after discovering that he had already "been arou...