Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Thank heaven for the news - it makes my life seem normal

Okay, I’ve had two complete posts crash and burn tonight. The first one I lost via email and the second one I thought up but then forgot about betwixt meeting the GF at the train station and getting home. Hopefully it’ll come back to me in a dream. Mercifully, I have the news to provide ample blog-fodder + talking points. Yay, news!

First, it appears that Oprah is bored and is finally growing tired of her dull and dreary life without friends. Now that ordering Steadman around the house has grown tiresome, she’s started making like Vince and Owen and crashing weddings, hitting several around Tulsa Oklahoma this weekend. While word has it that she’s not doing it to pick up bridesmaids, she does show up, drop off a gift and take pictures with the “lucky” coupe, then skedaddling before Aunt Mabel can invite her to the next book group in Akron. And what does the queen of all media gift to the lucky couple? The woman who bestows bags of outrageous bling and techno-gadgets on her “favorite things” episode*; the tycoon who gives everyone in her audience a car as a promotion – what would she give these lucky few couples? Dishes.

Talk about buzzkill. I mean, does Oprah even know where they are registered? Or which China pattern they picked out? Sure, she’s got connections, but come on – if you’re doing that much research to pick the right pattern, then you’re doing too much research for it to be “crashing” the wedding. And besides, isn’t he wedding day supposed to be all about the bride? After Oprah shows up and wows the crowd, nobody will be talking about the dress or the flowers or how beautiful the vows were. Pity the poor new husbands, I suspect some bad wedding night sex for those guys.

And yet…maybe that was her plan all along, sowing the seeds of disharmony to ensure a steady stream of dysfunctional couples for her and Dr. Phil to feature on the show for the next 10-15 years. The woman’s a genius…

Second, note to all crazy people. If the voices tell you to jump into the wild animal enclosure – don’t listen to them. You ain’t Daniel, and apparently God has other things to do than beat the crap out of some lions just because you threw yourself in there to begin with.

By the way what exactly do you think they mean by an “animal island” that is “protected by thick concrete blocks”? Sounds more like some sort of fortified bunker than a natural habitat. And if the lions are preparing elaborate defenses, I wonder what they know that we don't…

Maybe they are trying to keep Oprah out of their elaborate feline weddings. After all, she'd probably just bring a food bowl that says "Kitty".

* I want to say this out loud, right here. I don’t watch Oprah – but I’ve got my finger on the pulse of pop culture, so I know about the favorite things episode

8 comments:

towwas said...

Yeah, I don't know, man - if Oprah and a giant camera crew showed up at my wedding, I'd think that would be pretty weird. And not only because I don't have a boyfriend.

KC said...

I thought the same thing when I read that news article this morning: how dare she crash someone's wedding reception? That will be all any of the guests remember for years to come. Damn her. She can't be that desperate for footage, can she? It seems like a very selfish ploy for attention.

I also know about her give-aways even though I've never watched her show. Guess you can't get away from Oprah even if you want to.

Grafs said...

I imagine her as someone who has definitely lost contact with reality. I'm not a hyper sort of bride-type, but I would be pissed if all I got was dishes!

miss shirley said...

I feel I have to speak up in support of Oprah because she's my girl. Of course I'm not really sure what to say except I like Oprah and I want to be like her when I grow up.

grrrbear said...

What, you want to be rich and world-reknowned, with a kept boy-toy around the house and powerful enough to destroy the careers of those who offend you with a single on-air couch session (e.g. James Frey, Tom Cruise)?

Eve said...

Ooooooh Grrr, don't mess with my Porah. Me LOVES her!!

I thought that all of you CHicago peeps LIKED her?! Tisk Tisk ;)

Eve said...

Porah????

he he

I meant OPRAH.

grrrbear said...

I have no real opinion about Oprah, actually. Not being a native Chicagoan, I feel mostly ambivalence. She does some good stuff, but I just don't get the cult status.

I'd still switch spots with her in a heartbeat though.