There are no words to adequately describe this

It goes without saying that marriage is a big step in anyone’s life. You move out of your parent’s basement, available closet space becomes as scarce as hair on my head or charismatic democratic political candidates, and oftentimes someone else using the bathroom right when you are most reconsidering burrito day with the department at Taco Lennys. The sad thing about our society is that while we require licensing and regulation of hair salons, we allow any moron to get married. Case in point – Mr. Travis Fey, a 33-year-old man from Iowa currently facing kidnapping charges filed by his wife. I heard about this guy from My Friend in Porn over dinner the other night, and was so dumbstruck I had to do more research – blog topics like this one don’t come along very often.

But that’s not the most shocking aspect of the story. Apparently, before kidnapping her, Frey tried to have his wife sign a “Contract of Wifely Expectations” – a four page document outlining various rules for how she was to conduct herself in all aspects of life. Sections of the contract covered areas such as:

Shaving

• “every third day” including “underarms, chest, legs, and pubic area (navel to anus)” plus guidelines for pubic hair shaping

Allowable Clothing

• “only thigh highs and garters, and only thong panties”…”half your shoe purchases will be high heels 2” or more. You will then wear these heels more often”

Sleepwear

• “you will be naked within 20 minutes of the kids being in bed, and then sleep naked unless instructed otherwise”…“the only exception will be during your menstrual cycle”

“My Time”

• A period immediately before and after designated sleeping hours when the wife was to “devout [sic] [this time] solely to me, whereas you will be in my service to do anything and everything I want, which may or may not be sexual in manner” – included is an explicit list of behaviors which are, and are NOT allowed during “My Time”

Pet Names

• [each quarter] “you are you choose your ‘pet name’ that you want me to call you by”.

“Good Behavior Days”

• What does the wife get for all her hard work complying with all the rules devised by this “Sexual Stalin”? His idea of a reward is the “Good behavior day”, where “each GBD can be used to ‘get out of’ doing the things request [sic] or expected of you with the following exceptions birthdays, anniversary, shaving, and sleepwear. Including bonus GBD’s for “unexpected” actions*.

Seriously, take a few minutes and read through the entire contract. I really can’t do it justice.

Suffice to say that Travis is now in Federal court facing the kidnapping charges, which will hopefully result in him being put behind bars for a very long time**. If so, I will very much look forward to his cellmate writing up a “Contract of Prison B*tchly Expectations” for him to sign***.

* Up to 14 GBD’s for “unexpected” anal intercourse. Talk about buying in bulk…
** If not, he’s also facing separate charges pending regarding him downloading child porn onto his home computer. Quite the catch, huh ladies?
*** “You will wear your orange jumpsuit at all times with legs no longer than 2” below the knees (unless it’s for Church)”