Thursday, June 01, 2006

A whole new meaning to the phrase "she looks so good it's a crime"

Dear Mr. Convenience Store Owner,

I can understand that you are upset that you got fined when one of your employees sold a six-pack of beer to an underage decoy who was working for law enforcement officials. But come on, claiming that the clerks failed to notice the “MINOR UNTIL 2007” stamped on her driver’s license because she “…was dressed in very provocative clothing more suited for the bedroom” is lame.

I mean, if we let people off for that – where does it end? How effective would it be to card anyone if women can get around it by just stopping for a minute to skankify themselves before buying beer? The horror…we’d devolve into a society where the slutty girls can violate laws with impunity – flaunting their disregard for law and order by flashing helpless waiters in restaurants to avoid paying for meals*.

Meanwhile, everyone who isn’t a nubile young woman seethes with jealousy and devises stratagems for putting them all in camps. This leads to a stratified society populated in the main by the unattractive and the male. Meanwhile all the hot chicks are sequestered in their beachfront “centers” where they are forced to play beach volleyball and slather suntan lotion on each other for hours on end. Not exactly the sort of society I’d want to live in…given where I’d end up.

See Mr. Owner? If we don’t fine your store for doing this, it will destroy society and cause the closing of Hooters restaurants across the country. So shut up, take your medicine, and start training your people a little better. Or, alternatively, stop hiring 18-year-old high school boys to sell alcohol.

* “All right girls, everyone finished with dessert? Great, now let’s make a break for it – set your boobs on ‘stunning’!”

1 comment:

Theo said...

"Set your boobs on 'stunning'!"

HILARIOUS.