As they were walking up Michigan Avenue, they witnessed some guy walk right into traffic and get hit by a CTA bus. The impact caused the entire front windshield to crack up in the familiar spiderwebbing pattern. Obviously, this was a bit of a surprise, but even more of a surprise was that the guy proceeded to get up off the street, brush himself off, and try to getaway from the scene. The bus driver then got off the bus and chased him down to keep him from getting away completely*. They got him to sit down on the curb, but he appeared fine, if a bit disoriented. But the bus driver was a little worked up. He heard my cousin's boyfriend say “Wow! That guy just got hit by a bus!” and replied** “Hey! He ran out and hit me! I didn't hit nobody!”. Eventually, an ambulance came and took the guy away, but my cousins left the scene before the cops started looking for potential witness statements as they only had a short time before they had to leave town.
Of course, as I sat there munching my sausage, green peppers, and onion deep dish*** I couldn't help but devise ideas why this guy had shrugged off being hit by a bus and wanted to leave the scene. Obviously, my first thought was that he either had a warrant for his arrest or was high on some sort of controlled substance****. But then my imagination kicked in again, with XXX more interesting theories.
- The dude was a Terminator, sent from the future to find and kill Sarah Connor
- The dude had recently escaped from a top-secret military facility, where he had been undergoing secret experiments to create a super soldier. After tracking down the old man who used to run the program, he had just discovered that the program was designed to make him indestructible. Upon learning this, obviously one would want to know whether it is true, and what better way to do so than to see if you can survive being hit by bus
- The dude was crazy, and believed either 1) or 2). Or that he was one of those weird twins in white from the Matrix sequels with the ability to pass through solid objects. Come to think of it, that would be a bitchin' way to get free bus rides. Maybe he's not so crazy after all.
Then I cycled through the more reasonable explanations. Perhaps he was blind in one eye. Maybe he just wanted a fat legal settlement from the CTA for pain and suffering. But neither of those would make him want to leave the scene...
That's when it hit me. He was late for a date! What more perfect excuse to be late for a date than to say you got hit by a bus? Plus, it has added bonuses of :
- Showing how interested you are in this woman*****
- Making you look way tough
- Giving you a convenient out if the date doesn't go well******
That guy's a genius.
* No doubt worried that if he showed up back at the garage with a smashed windshield but no police report, people would ask questions
** A little more freaked-out than he probably should have been
*** Which was a little disappointing. I fear that the corporatization of Uno has finally resulted in the ruin of Uno's original recipe...(sigh). Looks like I'll have to check out Lou Malnatis, Giordanos, and Gino's East to see which one becomes my new standby when relatives are in town.
**** Either meth or pure, unadulterated RAGE! Grrr...
***** “Wow, he got hit by a bus and he was only 5 minutes late? That's devotion! I'm in love! I hope he doesn't bleed too much on my new top...”
****** “I'm sorry, I'm having a great time, but I think I'm about to pass out from all the cerebral hemmoraging. I'll call you later.”