Friday, August 25, 2006

More proof the world would be better off if I could decide whether people could have kids

Building on yesterday’s topic of the “crazy moral minority” apparently a woman in Fallbrook, CA had her 6-year old violated by the youth of America and their lust for defaming Barney the Dinosaur. Apparently, she went to the grocery store with her 6 year old daughter and was shocked that someone had vandalized a Barney poster with the word “p***s”* scrawled over it. And now because of this horrible experience, her daughter is going to grow up to be a stripper, coke whore, or possibly even a Democrat.

Here’s my questions about the whole situation. First off, isn’t it pretty impressive that a 6 year old knows and can read the word “p***s”? That’s a pretty impressive vocabulary for a 6 year old, particularly for a girl, since she’s not exposed to those on a regular basis. Second, is the monther so shocked because she had been trying to minimize her daughter’s exposure all genitalia-related concepts until she turns 18? Does her daughter even know she has a vagina, or does mom blindfold her daughter before letting her use the bathroom? Does mom refer to her own “area” as “that which shall not be named”?

Here’s the thing lady, of course Barney has a penis**. Penises are getting to be all the rage among puppets – how else does Potty Elmo go to the bathroom in his special toilet***? What else would baby Ernie be hanging out next to the toilet looking so pleased with himself? I know that muppets aren’t human, but even their digestive systems are not so efficient that they can convert all food intake into energy. Remember mom, everybody poops****.

So relax and stop freaking out about it. No doubt your pastor is only unsure about your daughter’s future because she is being raised by a crazy woman. Without question, you are driving your pastor to drink with all your “emergency” calls – call him during Scrubs one more time and you’ll be off the Spiritual Growth committee before you know it.

*Not sure exactly what work was used though, since the writer asterisked it out. “parts”? “pans”? “pigs”? It’s a mystery…
** Sure, technically it’s probably a cloaca because Barney’s a lizard, but stay with me here.
*** Props to the GF for pointing out this very pertinent point
**** Including, apparently, apples.

1 comment:

Sophist said...

An "emergency call" to the pastor? To see how this will affect her FUTURE? If Mommy hadn't freaked out and made a big deal about it, I doubt that 6-yo would have thought anything of it.