Friday, August 04, 2006

Security has gone to the dogs

Okay, let’s pretend you’re a dog. A smart dog in the peak of physical ability – like , say, a Doberman pincher. One day your master takes you to a room where you suddenly find yourself surrounded on all sides by bears! Everywhere you look, you see their beady little eyes glaring at you in open defiance of your dog-authority. You can see it in their eyes, thinly veiled promises of a violent death soon to come. Maybe it’ll be when you’re bending down for a drink from your water bowl. Maybe it’ll be during your next nap. Maybe it’ll be while you’re sitting on the couch watching Animal Planet. But the one thing you do know is it’ll come when you least expect it.

So what do you do? Sit around and wait for the leader-bear to give the signal, launching a tidal wave of furry death and destruction upon you? Hell no! You launch yourself at them in a pre-emptive strike! Biting and snarling, you hurl yourself at the fangs and claws of the bear army, plunging deep into their ranks, tearing limb from limb and head from torso! You are fighting for your very life, and surely your master has no idea of the threat these bears pose, because he has allowed them into the house to begin with*. You must save your master from the bear menace! Grrrr!

This, I believe, is exactly what was going through the head of Barney the Doberman, who recently tore apart a collection of stuffed teddy bears in a museum in England**. It’s no wonder really, that he was so willing to be photographed not only at the escene of the crime, but looking so proud of himself. After all, how often does a dog get in the headlines for saving the earth from a horde of thousands of clawed bears! You can almost see the pride on his face in the picture.

* It’s not that you blame your master for doing so. After all, your master doesn’t watch the Colbert Report, how would he know about the danger bears pose to our society?
** Including one that belonged to Elvis when he was a small boy, and no doubt served as the inspiration for the fried peanut butter and banana sandwich - the evil little creature's evil manifesting itself through a plan to kill lil' Elvis via heart disease.

2 comments:

towwas said...

What idiot lets a dog into a room full of priceless stuffed animals???

Reminded me of this blog post:
http://theunderweardrawer.blogspot.com/2005/03/that-popping-sound-in-most-of.html
No, not the picture of the pregnant blogger's belly; scroll down to the picture of the dog.

Eve said...

ThiS story was unbelievable.

Anyone up for a Doggy Burger??? ;)

After all, Elmo seems equally disinterested in both...

I have a hard time believing that Elmo was traumatized by Katy Perry's decollatage after discovering that he had already "been arou...