As much as I try to distance myself from the congressional gossip machine, it’s been impossible not to watch the scrambling over Mark Foley without one’s jaw dropping. The rate at which Foley, and now the GOP in general are throwing out excuse after explanation is stunning. Let’s review the week’s events thus far:
Monday – Foley resigns his position in Congress and checks himself into an alcohol treatment facility. Obviously, he was only messaging pages when suffering the effects of “demon rum”. And hey, society never blames the person when they’re drunk, right?*
Tuesday – Foley’s attorney** steps up and announces that Foley was molested by a clergyman when he was a teenager. See? Not only is he quite ill, but he’s also a victim…just like you, America. And you aren’t a bad person, are you?
Wednesday – Foley declares that he is a homosexual – again through his attorney. Heterosexuals everywhere breathe a sigh of relief, safe in the knowledge that only gay men are attracted to young, teenage boys.*** Meanwhile, House Speaker Dennis Hastert fights back against calls for his resignation, instead pinning the blame on Democrats**** and ABC News. Fox News’ Sean Hannity pins the blame for the whole thing on Bill Clinton.
So now what? Which direction will the GOP take us on this bull run through the Foley & Company china shop? I offer the following suggestions, just in time to get the GOP through the weekend until another two days of football make America forget all about politics.
Thursday – Bill O’Reilly digs deep into his investigative pool of “unnamed sources” to pin the blame on the internet and MySpace in particular, saying that use of “online social sites” has transformed America’s youth from a homogeneous, Boy/Girl Scouting, lemonade selling, football playing, freedom defending mass into a mumble jumble of sexually assertive miscreants, with their different religions, ill-fitting fashion and strange audio devices that play a constant stream of subliminal messages only they can hear. “If kids today dress like prostitutes they shouldn’t feign surprise when they are approached by a member of Congress! What do they expect? MySpace is turning kids into sexual predators that prey on congressmen, not the other way around!” Of course, the overall effectiveness of this strategy is somewhat limited by his posting this clip of his show on his MySpace page***** where it will be tagged as “Kewl!” by “Bill’sb*tch17” in Saginaw, MI.
Friday – President Bush, continuing his multi-month “Fear to the Masses” national stump-speech tour, brings the packed Boise Kiwanis Club “Potato Room” to its feet with a stirring address that pins the blame for Foley’s actions squarely where it belongs – Al Qaeda. “Only by bringing the insurgents to their knees will America finally be free of the looming danger posed by predators! We can’t afford to let the democrats ‘cut & run’, only full-scale carpet bombing of Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, Syria, the Palestinian settlements in the West Bank and Gaza, George Soros, and the headquarters of Planned Parenthood and MoveOn.org will result in victory over the evildoers! That, and I want a new hat – like the one Capt’n Crunch wears – that’ll put the fear of god into America’s enemies.”
Yep. I’m proud to be an American.
* Unless you are a stripper working a party thrown by the Duke lacrosse team, of course. Then it’s all your fault.
** Obviously, because Foley himself is busy in the rehab program, trying to cure his problem with alcohol. He’s an alcoholic, remember?
*** Well, gay men and hot young female teachers. Oh, and priests. Did we mention that Foley was molested by his priest while in rehab for his alcohol addiction?
**** Like that darn democrat Mark Foley, who is the cause of this whole thing anyway. Why isn’t anyone railing for Nancy Polosi to quit!?
***** Yes, I know it’s not actually his, but it’s funnier that way.