Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Seriously, check this out...

One of the fun things about having a gmail account is the little links to related new stories that pop up along the top of the screen when you’re looking at your inbox. Needless to say, when a link to the website www.cleanbutt.com popped up, I was intrigued…

It turns out that cleanbutt.com is the marketing website of a company that sells kits that convert your regular toilet seat into a bidet. The most fun part about the site is the “Demo BidetSpa” link along the left. Click it and it brings up a little flash app window where you can see all the different functions in action. Frankly, I have serious questions about a number of them. For example: the “enema wash” function, which is “specifically designed to gently spray a stream of warm water directly through the rectum and into the lower colon”. All right, I know that some people use enemas, and indeed there are some times when they are medically necessary. But it seems to me that the pressure required to achieve that level of penetration would be very dangerous if your aim wasn’t exactly “on the money”. Particularly if you’re a guy.

The other fun thing about the site is all the euphemistic copy they have to write, combined with the crazy “benefits” they allege. Discussions about the benefits of the “pulsating water massage” function were particularly entertaining, “This feature helps improve blood circulation to the area and provides a more pleasant and calming, Spa kind of experience”. Yup, because nothing makes me feel more like I’m in a spa than gettin’ my perineum massaged. And ladies, use the “feminine wash” function on your “delicate feminine area” to leave you “feeling confident and secure all day long!”.

Surely, the promise of a “new lifestyle full of lavish comfort and refreshing convenience for your daily personal hygiene needs” is overselling it just a bit, don’t you think? It’s like they are trying to convince you that hosing down your privates for 5 minutes* will make you equivalent to royalty or Angelina Jolie.

And don’t even get me started on the opportunities to be a “
CleanButt Partner”…

* A two minute wash cycle followed by a 3 minute air dry cycle.

4 comments:

KC said...

Five minutes, huh? I really don't have that kind of time to spend in the john. But maybe I'd want to if I had a spiffy bidet. Maybe.

J.Bro said...

I never feel confident and secure, so at first I thought this was the answer. Then I remembered that I don't have a delicate feminine area. Maybe crushing self-doubt comes from not washing behind my ears.

Anonymous said...

with all the links these guys have im sure they are making serious money. I looked up this stuff on ebay also looks like it really does sell for $600.00

They are prolly laughing all the way to the bank

grrrbear said...

KC - I hear you, I'm a guy with things to do, no time for primping and prancin' on the john. =)

J.Bro - Maybe you're right, but even then I doubt a bidet woudl help you. If it did, you're using it all wrong...

Anon - Oh I'm sure that America has no shortage of idiots with too much money who are willing to plunk down $600 for a butt-spa. Good for them for spotting a niche, putting out a product to fill it, and then giving it such a ridiculous name that the entire blogosphere will tak about it and give them free publicity. I think they are geniuses, and wish I'd thought of it myself.

After all, Elmo seems equally disinterested in both...

I have a hard time believing that Elmo was traumatized by Katy Perry's decollatage after discovering that he had already "been arou...