Monday, April 16, 2007

America's War on Belts!

For some reason that as yet remains a mystery to me, I have become the unwitting target of some sort of clothing guerilla movement being staged by my belts. After living in peace for years with my belts, I was recently forced to replace all of my normal belts that I wear to work. This was partially because two of them were getting really old and the backing was cracking something fierce, and partially due to the fact that when I packed up for my return flight from Los Angeles a couple weeks back they all conspired to avoid being put in the suitcase*.

So suddenly the only belt I had left was one reversible belt that was, in truth, a little too long, but which I could wear by using the last belt hole. A huge fashion faux pas, I realize, but I figured it would get me through the week until I could go get some new belts. But apparently the pressure of being the only work-appropriate belt in the closet was too much pressure and the buckle started detaching from the belt itself. At this point I realized I needed to pick up some new belts and took advantage of baby-present shopping at Target on Friday to do so.

But here is my problem – no matter what they say, belts are *never* the size that they claim to be. Sure, the tags *read* as though they are for certain specific size ranges, but once you put them on you find that those are not to be trusted, and indeed, are probably all part of the “Down with Grrrbear (and his Pants)!” belt conspiracy. Time and time again, I have wrapped belts around my waist and thought they would be a good fit only to find that when I get them home and actually try them on with pants, they have lengthened or shortened by several inches**. So this time I carefully looked through the rack, found two that I liked, and wrapped them tightly around my waist. They looked like they would be a perfect fit, so I bought them and hung them up in my closet at home. I thanked my last remaining reversible belt for its service, and promptly disposed of it.

Of course, when I went to put on the belt this morning, I discovered that it was actually too big for my pants, and the only way I can wear it is by using the very first hole. So now I’m in the same situation I was before.

At this point I’m afraid now I’ll have to start trying on belts before purchasing them. Either that or go with suspenders, but if they are in league with the belts then they’d probably be too short or too long as well. If they’re too long I look like a clown, too short and I’m parading around with male camel-toe. And neither of those would really be work-appropriate.

Maybe this is why old men go with sans-a-belt pants. They’ve all realized the war cannot be won.

* Hey, it was 4:00 am, am I supposed to remember *everything* that early?
** If not a foot.

1 comment:

J.Bro said...

We should start a suspenders movement. Except we'll be super hip and call them braces.

After all, Elmo seems equally disinterested in both...

I have a hard time believing that Elmo was traumatized by Katy Perry's decollatage after discovering that he had already "been arou...