Thursday, July 19, 2007

But do they have Kung-Fu grip?

Wal-mart is getting ready to start selling action figures portraying various characters from the Bible, including Jesus, Samson, and Daniel*. Now I have no problem with bible toys for kids. Honestly, I think that it’s preferable for kids to play with Jesus action figures, coming up with imaginative games and stories to act out. It's a lot better than sitting around letting Dora the Explorer yell inane questions at the kid while they sit on the couch like a morbidly obese whale munching ho-ho's and dreaming dreams of Guitar Hero stardom.

Yet, there’s a problem with this toy concept – do the parents who buy these toys for their kids really expect them to play out the stories verbatim from the good book? Because I’m pretty sure that won’t be the case. Given my experiences playing with my Star Wars figures, it’s far more likely that there will be all sorts of crossover play involving other toy lines. For example, Jesus could move into the Batcave playset and drive down to the mall in the Barbie Porsche. Or he could team up with Spider-Man to battle the Green Goblin. Or go down to the after hours club with his b*tches, the Bratz. Word. Somehow I don’t think this possibility has been considered by anyone who buys these toys for their grandkid.

But let’s imagine for a moment that the kids *did* re-enact the stories exactly as they were told in the bible. The manufacturer needs to be careful what they wish for, because eventually the kids will start demanding more and more figures to act out *all* the stories. And there must be *thousands* of possible figures they could sell! But after a while, they will run out of the child-friendly options and the kids will start demanding figures to act out Lot and his Daughters, Job** or the complete Song of Solomon playset***.

Yup…can’t wait to see what Pat Robertson has to say about that.

* Who comes complete with a little lion action figure as well, allowing the kids to re-enact the perilous scenes in the lion's den to their hearts content!
** “Play as the Lord and smite him yourself, with optional boils!”
*** “Now with twin roes!”

4 comments:

J.Po said...

I feel like there's probably a Simpsons story with Rod and Todd playing with Jesus figurines.

Sophist said...

or if they did the Book of Psalms, the characters would all be getting lots of action (and not the kind of action referred to in the term "action figures").

KC said...

They didn't make Lucifer? C'mon! You gotta have Lucifer in order to inact Jesus' sufferings in the desert. Or something like that.

grrrbear said...

Good point KC. That'd be like making all the Star Wars figures *except* for Darth Vader.