Friday, August 18, 2006

Get your filthy paws off me you damn furry rodents!

I heard about this story on the radio earlier this week, but I didn’t really pay much attention to it until yesterday when I noticed how much material there is on the internet about “attack squirrels”*. I don’t know which came first, the story or the proliferation of websites warning of the coming squirrel revolution, advising how best to rid the world of the squirrel menace, tales of personal encounters with attack squirrels, and articles about how attack squirrels have spread as far south as orlando.

Now, I don’t want to be the first to say “I told you so” but I was warning the world about the mortal peril that squirrels spelled for humanity months ago! Because of the way we live surrounded by squirrels and don’t acknowledge the danger they pose they have just been waiting for the right moment and that moment has come. Why hasn’t the government jumped on this? Simple, because all our conventional methods of fighting against extremist groups don’t work on squirrels – witness the following problems:

  • They are too small to fit in standard gov’t issue waterboards

  • They don’t use telephones, rendering the warrantless wiretapping program completely ineffective

  • Their “sleeper cells” can actually sleep for months, undetected under winter snows

  • There is no way to tell a regular squirrel from an extremist squirrel; unlike humans where (according to government reports) all human extremists are young, arab males who run around the desert saying “Dirka dirka dirka. Mohammad jihad.” and trying to light their shoes on fire.

  • Inner-city squirrels have been marginalized by society, and gov’t outreach programs have been largely ineffective due to funding cuts.

So what is America to do? We have to win over their hearts and minds, people! Stop clubbing them with mallets or throwing them off of motorcycles and start leaving peanuts and popcorn in the birdfeeder. If you’re a small business owner, give an unemployed squirrel a second chance by offering him or her a job**. Together we can build a bridge with the squirrel population and together, focus on the real problem…

Zombie Squirrels! The only solution to those seems to be lead…and lots of it.

* Google it and see for yourself – yep, over 2.6 million results
** They make great chimney sweeps, and look adorabuls in those dusty little hats.

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