Wednesday, February 28, 2007
According to the story, police seized $81,000 “in dollar bills they believed Jones has brought to the club”.
EIGHTY-ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS, PEOPLE!
Let’s do the math. If he had dropped a dollar every second on the “entertainment” it would still have taken over 22 hours to spend that much cash. In fact, in order to spend that much in a reasonable amount of time he’d have to spend anywhere from $3 per second on up to blow through that much cash**.
One wonders if this was perhaps some sort of bet he had placed with a buddy. Sort of like “Brewster’s Millions” but with strippers and cocaine…which, yes, would be a completely different movie.
* After all, that is what AM talk radio is for.
** $3 per second could be spent in about eight hours, to do it in three hours would require spending about $7.50 every second.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
"Our forte right now is impregnations!"No, the company name is not "Federline Incorporated". I really don't think he ever imagined how he was being confusing. The thing is that the stuff he sells does feature impregnated metals*, but at least to me, "impregnation" means something else entirely.
* Metals combined with other materials like oil or diamonds to change its properties
Monday, February 26, 2007
- Oh, Anne Hathaway, you had an entire movie shoot full of fashion to learn about what looks good on you. One word - straps.
- The GF thinks Nicole Kidman is beautiful. I think that with her ever-growing forehead, ever-whitening skin, and ever-taller height she is increasingly looking like the martian girl in Mars Attacks.
- Since when did the Oscars become "The Jack Nicholson" show? I mean, sure, I like the guy as much as anyone else, but was the camera ever on anyone but him? Cripes, even when he was backstage the editor was always with the "cut to Jack!".
- Rule of thumb for future winners - nobody cares what you say...stop trying to be profound or eloquent. Just read off you list and get off the stage. God, the speeches this time made me pine for Joe Pesci's "This is an honor and a privilege, thank you very much".
- How much to I love Merril Streep playing along with the girls from Devil Wears Prada bit? Let's just say there isn't enough room on the internet to write it all.
- Wow, Hellen Mirren looks good! Sure, she's probably had some work done, but it was good work. She may be the hottest woman "of a certain age" since...well...ever.
- As the GF pointed out, why isn't Kirsten Dunst wearing errings? I didn't notice it until she brought it up, but then I couldn't get it out of my head! And why the *heck* do I care?
- I'm as impressed with the shadow-people as everyone else, but don't some of the shapes seem *too* good? How do I know there isn't a midget closer to the light simply raising a cardboard cutout right as they are all coming together?
- Hey Revlon, next year how about you stop pussyfooting around and just buy the Oscars outright? Sheesh, I've never seen so many commercials from one company before.
- The bit with Ellen, Clint Eastwood, and Steven Spielberg? Classic. "Could you take it again with us more in the center?"
- Montages are the Oscar's version of masturbation. Once or twice is fine, but doing it once or twice every hour is a sign you have a problem. Oscar - you have a problem.
- Wait a minute, when did Princess Leia become a writer for the Acadamy Awards? Or is there another Carrie Fisher lurking around Hollywood?
In general I liked the show. It was more self-deprecating than in year's past, and the bits were entertaining. But Little Miss Sunshine should've won best picture - if for no other reason than to stop the incessant references to Annie Hall being the last comedy to win that award.
* Which explains the lack of my usual live-blogging the Oscars post
** Or is it "things I thought I thought" since I thought these things last night?
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Now I know better.
Always with the joke-cracking. It'd just be a distraction...
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Yet, I'm still somewhat apprehensive. See, I don't speak German. My Spanish is pretty good, and I can speak English well enough. All my travel thus far has been either to a country where I spoke the language (domestic, Spain, Ecuador) or with someone else who did (France). While I know that the conventional wisdom says that everyone in Germany speaks English* I just like the idea of at least being able to say "please", "thank you" and "excuse me".
While I thought about taking classes, I've been in airplanes enough lately to read thousands of advertisements for Rosetta Stone's language software. So I picked up the "German Level 1" set to try out and see how it works. After doing the "Day 1, Lesson 1" set, I can conclusively say that I know how to say "a boy is under the airplane" in German.
Obviously, this will come in very handy in the event a kid gets lost at the airport and starts running around the tarmac while my flight to Germany is taxiing.
* Indeed, every German foreign exchange student we had in high school spoke better English than most of the other kids in the class.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Even more disturbing was the fact that the address label had been *cut* out off the cover. So not only did this guy know he was going to take long enough to warrant bringing along a relatively hefty magazine, but he knew it would take so long that he'd finish it and decide to leave it in the stall behind him.
I don't know about ya'll, but that seems a little screwy...
Monday, February 19, 2007
Last Sunday the GF and I went down to Chinatown for the Lunar New Year festivities. Aside from the various pig-related memorabilia* there was a parade with the standard dragon and lion dancers, groups of little kids piled onto various community association floats, two or three “Year of the Pig Queen”-type princesses**, the flag-bearing members of the VFW local chapter, an African-American marching band from a local high school, and a corps of bagpipers complete with kilts and tartans. It was nice to see how they’ve taken Chinese New Year and made it inclusive for all cultures.
Towards the end of the parade*** I pulled the GF off the street and into one of the really good Chinese restaurants down the street we had been planning on going to. I figured that what with all the crowds distracted by the parade we’d be able to sneak in before a line formed. True to form, as soon as we got seated there was a line out the door of people standing in the cold. The GF and I smugly congratulated ourselves on our cunning and dove into two steaming plates of moo-shu vegetables and sechuan chicken. Mmmmm…
After eating we walked up and down the little retail area, stopping into the various trinket shops. Everything is *so* cheap in Chinatown it’s crazy. And they have stuff you’d never think of otherwise. For instance, one store was a combination trinket shop and Chinese grocery. They had an entire aisle devoted to tea – there must have been over 400 different types, all with some sort of alleged benefit. Myself, I picked up a box of “Man Plus King Power” tea, which sounded like it would give me some sort of Steven Segal butt-kicking power. After bringing it home however, I think it’s actually some sort of supposed herbal Viagara. In either case, it doesn’t work: I didn’t get an overwhelming urge to kick anyone’s ass, nor did I suddenly develop (and then subsequently cure) erectile dysfunction.
Both of which are all right with me. And actually the tea tastes pretty good, so I’ve got that going for me.
* VW Bug decorated to look like a pig anyone?
** Complete with requisite tiaras
*** The only float still coming was the one with Ronald MacDonald on it, which I didn’t feel was particularly Chinese
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Fear my snow-laden wrath abominable snowmen!
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Even better is the Google-translated version. "Pants 5 pockets, with torn filigrana of the proper pocket, drawn resin from mustaches, beaten well in the laudering.", for example.
As an aside - is it just me, or does everyone in Brazil have a great butt? I mean, if those models are anything to go by they are exporting the wrong product. Hey Brazil! Less rain forest wood, more butt models!
Yep, apparently there's a law somewhere that dictates that no living president can be depicted on a coin. Per the story above:
After Washington, the presidents honored this year will be John Adams, Thomas Jefferson and James Madison. The program is scheduled to run into 2016. A president must have been dead at least two years to appear on a coin.
Frankly, I find this rule to be the silliest I've ever heard. Not that the presidend has to be dead - but that he has to be dead for *two years*. What, is this for fear of a dead president suddenly returning to life, digging himself out of his tomb, and suddenly developing an ego because "Now I've got a coin with my face on it, ooooOOOOOooooo! Now, MUST...FIND...BRAINS!"
Because clearly, that president would be a zombie. And there's nothing worse than a zombie president on a massive ego trip. Thank goodness our government was smart enough to pass this law ahead of time!
Edit: Oops, ya'll are right - those are *dollars*, not *quarters*.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
The tower portion (in the lower right part of the floorplan) is actually two or three* more floors of living space, surrounded by glass on all sides. Man, if I win the lottery tonight, I'm *so* gonna snap that place up.
Then, I just need to find a beautiful princess with long blond hair to imprison on the top floor...
* I saw it when I was home over the holidays last year and it's hard to see for sure.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Maybe I'm just easily impressed, but I think it's a genius* idea. I wonder why all the stores don't do this, and how long it'll take until it catches on...
The one thing I was never quite able to figure out though, was how to shave without cutting myself. In retrospect, I think I have very delicate skin around my neck area because I constantly suffered from various cuts, nicks, and razor burns. I just accepted this as just a part of shaving and eventually my entire morning routine revolved around my shaving ritual: shower, wash face, apply shave gel, shave, use special face moisturizer for men immediately afterwards to prevent the burn. It was a simple routine, but one that worked for me.
It wasn’t until the GF witnessed it however, that I realized something may be wrong. I noticed that she never wanted to actually see me shaving, and when I asked her about it, she said that she didn’t like watching me cut myself so much. That’s when I remembered that in the days of the old electric, I never *got* nicks or cuts. And there was no razor burn either. I had expected that eventually my face would toughen up, but sheesh, it’d been 6 years – when would my face stop being such a pussy!? That was the realization that helped me return to my electric. Of course, I use a Braun now instead of the Norelco, and yes, it takes longer to shave nice and close – but I don’t get any more red splotches on my neck and I’m not bloody nearly as often.
But there’s one problem – my morning routine is now completely different and it’s been causing problems because I now shave before showering. This has thrown off my whole rhythm and I have found myself forgetting to put on deodorant on more than one occasion – including twice this week. Because of this, I now carry a spare stick in my glove box in case of emergencies. Hopefully I’ll get my new routine in gear before summer – because while the stick is fine in the cold, I dread leaving it in a hot car in the heat. Something about the thought of applying molten aluminum to my underarm is somewhat off putting.
* Entirely due to the free Mach 3 I was sent when it launched and a feeling that shaving with a blade was more “manly” than using my old electric.
Monday, February 12, 2007
A Brazilian entrepreneur has developed a site where prostitutes can post little 3-4 minute clips, describing themselves and their services to anyone who pays to join. Those people can then download their favorite clips to their iPods for later viewing*. Apparently, the hookers who use this service get 3-4 times the customers in a day as those who don’t, prompting improved sales and, no doubt, better customer “satisfaction”.
My question is: where are America’s hookers in all this? Didn’t we *invent* the internet?! How is it that our hookers are still resorting to analog media like trading cards and the yellow pages to get the word out on the street? America, it’s time to recognize that there is a rapidly-growing hooker gap in the world and we’re on the wrong end!
Where’s some federal funding when the nation really needs it!
* Don’t even get me started on the euphemism potential of that statement…
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Friday, February 09, 2007
Well, for some reason I've been getting a lot of hits from people searching for that ad again - apparently the last super bowl prompted people to resurrect their memories of that ad*. But the nice thing about all the additional interest is that Metacafe finally got video up featuring the video, so now (only one year later) ya'll can finally see who I was talking about!
Fishnets - video powered by Metacafe
For those of you still determined to stalk her, no, I won't tell you what her name is - and no, she's not available. We ran into each other at a mutual friend's wedding several years ago, so I know that she's married quite happily. I mean, obviously he's happy**, but she seemed happy too. So yay for her.
* And now everyone wants to know what her name is and, no doubt, how best to go about stalking her.
** Especially if she got to keep the fishnets from the shoot.
I like to think that one can glean some insight about a city by the art they put up in their airport. O'Hare, for example is full of urban murals and abstract, contemporary art. It's perfect for how the city likes to see itself as a city of modern art and unique urban neighborhoods. Minneapolis/St. Paul on the other hand, uses its airport art to convey an air of north woods and city sophistication.
Islip, it seems, is proud to display it's love of boobs. Wall after wall is covered with posters of various festivals and marches and event days dedicated to wiping it off the face of the planet. As much as this is a noble cause, it kind of bordered on obsession*.
Anyway, one of the posters in particular caught my attention:
Granted, it's sort of fuzzy, but you get the idea - a poster about the Breast cancer drive printed with a picture of two fuzzy dandelions...dandelions that just happen to look like a torso and a giant pair of boobs. Intentional? Or freudian slip?
You...make the call!
* Probably because of all the chemical plants on Long Island, which have results in the women of that area having a significantly higher rate of breast cancer than the rest of the country.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Despite this, I am a little sad today after hearing the news because whatever else you may think about her, in the 1990s she was hot, hot, hot. My high school self found her ads for Guess? to be simply the greatest examples of photography EVAR. not just because she was pretty, but she was the first model in years to actually have some real curves - like the pinup girls of the old days. And that was refreshing, because it game me hope that maybe anorexia would go away, and the hot chicks of America would rediscover their hidden beauty thanks to the rediscovery of fried chicken and milkshakes. I never actually saw her Playboy issues, though because I was too young to buy them then and I'd be too embarrassed to throw down money on eBay to buy them now**.
Anyway, apparently the pressure was too much. And now I'm sitting here feeling sad about lost potential and a little depressed at the forthcoming wave of specials on E! and VH1 and Access Hollywood detailing all the sorded details of her life, followed by made-for-tv movies galore in a tabloid television free-for-all not seen since Amy Fischer.
(sigh)...Thank God for the Wii and Discovery Channel.
* Seriously, it was crazy, if you want the details go to Wikipedia.
** Especially given the death premium they'll be fetching now, along with the autographed pictures, baseballs, floorboards, and (of course) underwear. Oh, and don't forget your magnetic ribbon! "Support Anna Nicole awareness!"
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Guess who's disappointed?
Breakfast this morning was pretty much what I expected - lots of business folks in suits grabbing a quick bite to eat before heading off to their morning meetings *. But last night, as I was sitting in the lounge going over some paperwork I was beholden to a parade of overweight balding men in sweatpants who sauntered through the lounge, breathing heavily and helping themselves to heaping plates full of egg rolls.
Guess who was disappointed again?
Oh well, at least the food was free. Beats paying $15 for breakfast cereal from room service.
* Just like me, except I'm not wearing a suit.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
The flight out was pretty awesome though. I flew Southwest into Islip - and typically, I loathe flying Southwest because it's always full of tourists and other people who don't know anything about flying* but this one was great because there was only 17 people on the plane. So I had a whole row to myself...sweeeet...
After finishing my meetings, I went to check into my hotel for the night. That was when I discovered that my hotel is obviously where the rich married guys from the Hamptons bring their hookers/girlfriends for "interludes". As I made my way over to the registration desk where a guy was talking with the desk clerk, I overheard the following conversation:
Guy: "...I used the music function on the television, but then when I went to check out via the TV it wouldn't let me!
Clerk: "So you listened to the music by accident? We can remove that from your bill, no problem, sir."
Guy: "No, I wanted to listen to the music but now I want to check out."
Clerk: "But sir, you only checked in a couple hours ago..."
Guy: "Yeah, I know, and now I want to check out!"
Go figure. Not that it bothers me, really. I went down and took a swim in the pool before snagging free dinner in the concierge lounge. One benefit for earning Silver Elite status with this particular chain, I suppose. Still, this is my last trip for a month or so, which will be nice. I'm looking forward to actually being in Chicago for a while.
*"What do you mean I need to have a boarding pass to go through security? Why is the alarm going off? It can't be my jewelry, I'm only wearing four earrings, eight rings, and three necklaces! Oooh! Honey, they're starting to board, I know it's 1.5 hours until boarding, but let's go stand up in line for Group A so we can be first!"
Monday, February 05, 2007
It’s official - the day after the Super Bowl is now pretty much the slowest news day on Earth. Not only because this year’s game was not all that fun to look at, but also because the commercials were so universally dull and annoying that there was no real “best” one. As much as I love judging commercials in my head, I find it sort of irritating that doing so in the media has become almost as much of a post-game ritual as judging the play in the game itself.
The reason for this is because while the performance of the teams in a game is pretty measurable, there is no way to objectively judge whether a commercial is “good” or “bad” – it’s all just people’s opinion. So the various media outlets rush off to try to find advertising “experts”* who put together top 10 lists of “best” and “worst” ads. Why do they do this? Because the public loves ‘em! It’s a way for regular folks to validate their ad “smarts” – to say “See? Those ad guys totally agreed with my opinions – that makes me an ad expert too!”. So now those articles are *everywhere*; a Google search for “rating Super Bowl ads” generates a list of 22.5 MILLION hits**
But here’s the thing – whether a particular viewer likes an ad or not depends largely on whether they are part of the target demographic that the commercial is aiming for. For example, younger people might not have liked the FloMax ad simply because it makes them uncomfortable to think about not being able to pee when they get older. Similarly, older folks were probably more uncomfortable with the “Brokeback Snickers” ad than younger folks who are more exposed to (and comfortable with) same-sex relationships. This bias then reveals itself in the reviews that each one writes in their particular publication.
That said, here are my rants about the worst ads this year, as measured by me. I’m only going to discuss the ones I didn’t like, because frankly, the only ones I liked were the CareerBuilder ones*** and the one with Robert Goulet.
- Budweiser: Has Jay-Z beating the winningest coach in NFL history at a simulated football game – yeah, like that would *ever*happen. This only would have worked if, in a later commercial, Shula had kicked Jay-Z’s butt in a rap-battle, 8-Mile style.
- Snickers: Here’s an idea, let’s make a subject that makes the target audience uncomfortable and then use that to market our product to them! *I* thought it was worth a chuckle, but I didn’t think it was good marketing.
- GM: Hey, all you employees out there! Just so you know, if you drop a screw like this robot did you’re going to get fired, muddle your way through a variety of dead-end jobs, and then throw yourself off a bridge! Enjoy the game!
- Van Heusen: All the hype about this ad, but the subtext has bene missed in most of the reviews I’ve read. They all talk about how the ad ends with the guy waking up with the hot chick draped all over him, but don’t they see that obviously she’s the one who picks out his clothes to begin with? I sense a bit of a chicken vs. egg problem here, as thousands of old men run out to buy Van Heusen undershirts and wake up disappointed to find no sports car, no meeting with the boss, and no hot chick.
- Salesgenie.com: Honestly, I don’t have the energy to rip on this one anymore. See all the other reviews and you’ll pretty much get what I’m feeling about this universally panned ad.
* Typically Creative Directors at local advertising agencies or the editors of the publication itself if it’s cheap.
** Yes, I know that many of those hits probably aren’t exactly relevant, but still, that’s only 400k fewer results than a search for “boobs” generates and think of how much "boobs" is on the entire internet. Get it? Interestingly enough, the search for singular “boob” generates only about half as many results (10.9 million).
*** Damn, those binder clips would *hurt*!
Sunday, February 04, 2007
- I'm still a Vikings fan, and I am still bitter about a division rival getting to the Super Bowl. Besides, now Bears fans will get a taste of the disappointment I feel every year.
- Maybe now I'll stop hearing everyone out here talk about how Rex Grossman would be a great QB if he could only stay healthy for a season.
- I like Peyton Manning (6'5", laser, rocket arm, mustache) and Tony Dungy (ex-Viking Coach and ex-Gopher) and think they deserve it.
- The Colts are just a more complete team.
Frankly, given how he's always protrayed as kind of a diva, I'm pleasantly surprised. You go homeboy.
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Only thing left now is to wait for the firestorm of controversy... either that or nobody else will notice.
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