Wednesday, January 31, 2007
I'll fill in in more stories later, right now I need to get at all my catchup work before leaving on another business trip tomorrow.
Friday, January 26, 2007
Being the creative person you are, you decide to diversify your business and open up a tanning salon. This has two benefits: one, it ensures you get lots of hot chicks coming through your door on a daily basis. And two, coupled with some inexpensive pinhole cameras, it provides all the content you need for your rapidly-developing voyeurism habit.
Sound made up, right? But no, this guy actually did videotape women using the restroom and tanning bed in his bar. And now he's been arrested for it, not only because he's a perv but (apparently) some of the girls he caught on camera were minors.
But here's where I start pondering - if he's running a *bar*, shouldn't girls have to be of age in order to get in to begin with? I mean, he must either have the worst bouncers in the world* or someone in Pontiac makes the best fake ID's *ever*. Who knows? Maybe that's the economic foundation of the town.
And now that I think about it a bit, did none of the women find it just a little unusual that a *bar* had a tanning booth in it? I mean, seriously, what happened to common sense - did none of these women see Porky's or Revenge of the Nerds growing up? If not then we need to mandate showing those movies in Junior High school. Otherwise we're letting an entire generation of young women loose on the world with no knowledge of the lengths boys will go to to see their underwears.
* "Sorry hon, you're not 21 so no entry...what? You're just here to use the tanning booth? Oh, well then come on in! Just go through the bar, past the free jaeger shot table, up the stairs and to your right. Have fun!"
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Traditionally, flying out of O’Hare means that at least one of your flights (outbound or returning) will be delayed or cancelled. And true to form, my flight that morning was 45 minutes late leaving. And here I had woken up at 4 AM because I was concerned that traffic or security lines would be bad…
The trip itself was fine. I did get a rental car that had one of those GPS navigation systems built-in. Typically I don’t use those things because I feel like it’s the lazy-man’s way out of responsible navigation. Since you never have to pay attention to where you are or where you are going, I’m always a little suspicious of them and avoid them. Of course, that didn’t stop me from buying one for my mom for Xmas**.
After my trip was done was perhaps the most unusual part of the trip. As I was pulling into the return area of the rental car place, I noticed a suitcase left alone next to the car in front of me. I thought it was a little suspicious. Given that Homeland Security has elevated the threat level to Orange, and since no one else was around, I thought I’d go investigate***. As I approached, I saw that the car it was next to was *not* empty as I had believed. Rather, it was occupied by a young man…who was busy frantically changing his pants. I immediately averted my eyes and walked past, pretending that I hadn’t seen him. I don’t know, maybe he was delusional and believed that the rear-windows of his rental Sonata were tinted. Maybe he really thought he could get his pants off and swapped before anyone else returned a rental car, who knows?
All *I* know is never to change my pants in public.
* The others include Erie PA, Buffalo NY, and Flint, MI.
** Even though my stepdad is the one who will really benefit…
*** Because I’m *totally* qualified to disarm suitcase bombs, of course, having seen MacGuyver do it all the time.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
- (8:32) Did Dick Cheney just smirk and *wink* at someone off camera right after Bush talked about cutting America's gasoline consumption by 20% in the last 10 years? Sort of a "Aw, that's so cute..." thing, huh?
- (8:40) Wait...haven't we already brought the fight to the enemy in the war on terror? Is there anyone left we *haven't* invaded? "Dammit, there are still people left in Lichtenstein! How'd that happen!?!?
- (9:03) Oh my god, is he signing *autographs*!?!? What is this, the Golden Globes?!?
I was so excited at this discovery that I called her to share the news!
GB: Hey sweetie, guess what I found!
GB: There's a game for the Wii where they let you play doctor and diagnose patients and stuff!
GF: There is no way I am getting that for your birthday. I'm not going to enable your already delusional expertise as a pseudo-doctor by buying you a medicine video game.
GB: Is this because you're afraid that you're going to cut yourself with a kitchen knife and I'll insist on stitching you up myself because I did it on the Wii once and "hey, how much harder could it be in real life"?
GB: Fair enough. Maybe the football game then?
GF: Sure, that we can talk about.
It's kind of scary how well your significant other gets to know you after a couple years...
Monday, January 22, 2007
I've long suspected that PETA doesn't always play by its own rules of course. Nobody that comes up with tactics that crazy is being run by stable and thoughtful people. And now it turns out that I was right all along! A pair of PETA workers in North Carolina were arrested for dumping the bodies of cats and dogs in the dumpster behind the local Piggly Wiggly. It turns out that the local PETA chapter was rounding up stray cats and dogs from local shelters and then euthanizing them because they couldn't find them homes. PETA honchos are saying that it's because "it's better to euthanize them than to let them sit in shelters, where they get mistreated".
Needless to say, this doens't really jive well with the statistics. Nationwide about half of all animals in shelters are adopted*. But 83% of the animals PETA took were killed, which seems sort of hypocritical on PETAs part. I know, I know... "So many stray pets, so little time for euthanizing", right PETA?
As Grafs might say: What a bunch of 'tards...
* According to the National Humane Society (quoted in the article)
Unfortunately, most of my weekend was spent in a conference retreat for the theater company, so I didn’t get to Wii as much as I had hoped. But even with just a couple hours of playing Saturday and Sunday night I can feel a little soreness in my back, arms, and shoulders. Boxing is definitely the best workout; it’s sort of like Tae Bo, except without the spandex. Tennis is probably second best after that. I’m going to Wii tonight after work and see how my Wii Age is doing. Wii Sports has this application where it runs you through some tests using three of the games to test your speed, balance, and agility and come up with an approximate “age”. Currently, mine is around 36** but I’m going to test again tonight and I’ll let ya’ll know where I end up.
In other news this weekend, I got the first movies from my free Netflix trial this weekend. Sadly, Talladega Nights was deeply disappointing for both me and the GF. We pretty much concluded that it was an attempt by Will Ferrell to make a movie with a bunch of his friends and to do it for free by selling enough product placements to cover the entire financing. And despite all the references to boobs and how great they are in the script, there wasn't even one actual shot of them, with or without a bikini top. Sadly, this will mandate the use of another "disappointment" tag on this post.
* Who obviously has a difficult time differentiating points of the compass. I told him to leave it behind the gate on the east side of my building (which I left unlocked just for this occasion). He instead dropped it about 8 feet behind the fence on the west side of the building, making it necessary for me to climb over three air conditioners, through the tangled overgrowth and scraping past the gas meters in order to retrieve it. Nice to know that FedEx trusts him to navigate around the greater Chicago-land area all by himself when he doesn’t understand the difference between east and west…
** The GF came in at something like 54, but I think that was due more to the fact that she hadn’t played Wii baseball before and was struggling to get the timing down than to any actual advanced inner age.
Friday, January 19, 2007
Time passed and I had sort of forgotten about the whole thing, until randomly remembering it yesterday, doing a Google search, and discovering that the magic liquid *is* actually available for purchase! And it’s not a magic liquid – it’s a magic plate, made of a super secret alloy* which, when mixed with the special “activator powder” in a tub of regular water, removes the tarnish from any silver it touches. In a way, one wonders why the evangelicals haven’t latched onto this with both fists**…
But then, just when I was about to buy one, I noticed another one of the search results describing a “make your own tarnish remover dip for silver”. Intrigued, I headed over to About.com to read the article. And it turns out that the magic metal in the plate (featuring “electrolytic technology”!) is nothing more than aluminum, and the special “activator powder” is probably no more than a mix of salt and baking soda. What’s more, you can make all of this yourself using that stuff and some aluminum foil.
Yeah, so aluminum foil doesn't work as well as you think. It keeps floating, which is really sort of annoying. Plus I am unconvinced that it has enough mass to really matter, so I'm going to experiment with some either forms of aluminum to see if they work better than the foil.
* Which (like Happy Fun Ball) fell to Earth, presumably from space.
** Heals via touch, only works when baptized, appears “miracle-esque”…
Thursday, January 18, 2007
But I’m still going to leave my name on the list, if for no other reason than it gives me a sense of belonging to a close-knit group of 30,000+ fellow travelers. I’m going to add my current place in line to the template, so you can all follow along with me as I journey though the line. I’ll update it regularly as I move up.
Although, that means I’ll have to keep blogging until I move away, get too busy, or die. Oh well, a little blog-motivation never hurt anyone, right?
My Wii should arrive tomorrow! Of course, I won’t be at home to pick it up, and will probably have to drive out to the middle of nowhere tomorrow night in order to pick it up at the FedEx hub. But in joyful anticipation of it’s arrival I cancelled my gym membership today. Not like I had actually *gone* to the gym in about 8 months or so*, but now that I know I’ve got another source of exercise pending, I don’t feel guilty about cancelling and saving the extra $35 a month. Everybody wins!
* It is simply so far out of the way that it’s a pain in the tukkus to actually get there. And then when I do show up it’s full of people from work, most of whom I have no interest in seeing in spandex/gym clothes/the locker room.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
So, come next week I'm going to start my virtual cross training program just like this guy did - 30 minutes a day, every day. I'll post updates each week and see if I can beat his 9-lbs loss in 6 weeks. I'm so stoked!
* Well..."decent". Everyone on eBay is getting somewhat shafted on these, but at least I'm not paying $600+ plus shipping like this sucker (yes, I realized that one came with an extra controller but controllers are cheap, and that's more than $200 over the going eBay rate currently)
Well now there's a new nerd quiz available from the folks over at "Beauty and the Geek"! So head on over there and represent, yo!
Myself, I'm "Very geeky" - which I'm assuming is geeky enough to qualify, but not so geeky that I never leave my house and actually hang out with actual human beings instead of inernet avatars.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Come to think of it though, when you look at the "summary" that pops up next to that post, I'm not surprised that they stop by - it tewtally looks like I'm running a porn blog:
10. booth babes strike back
... woman in a short/tight/lacy skirt/dress, well made-up and smiling constantly. ... Japanese Anime women – complete with short skirt, pink wig with hair in pigtails ...argoramb.blogspot.com/2006/09/booth-babes-strike-back.html - 34k - Cached - More from this site
Oh, the disappointment those visitors must feel when they actually read this thing.
Anyway, the fortune was “You tend to spark the flame of enthusiasm in people”. Not “You *do* spark…”, mind, but “You *tend* to…”. As if to say “You know, your every intention is to inspire greatness, but for the most part this tendency is overwhelmed by the miasma of dullness that is the rest of your life. The pile after pile of insignificant distractions that fascinate you with their intricate details until the next thing you know it’s 5:00 and time to go home.” And honestly, I wasn’t quite sure whether to be offended or to sit there, dazzled by the possibility of the profound truth that a baked good knows me better than I know myself.
There’s a great poem about fortune cookies, written by a man named Ron Padgett. I’ve never heard of him until I saw this poem* but writing this reminded me of it. Frankly, I would love it if I were to get a fortune like that in my fortune cookie. Partly because yes, that would me a much more interesting fortune to get than the insipid statements we get today**, but also admittedly because it would be so huge that they’d have to start making giant fortune cookies to hold them. And anything that results in bigger cookies is a good thing in my opinion.
The Fortune Cookie Man
Working for ten years now at the fortune cookie factory
and I'm still not allowed to write
any of the fortunes. I couldn't do any worse than
they do, what with their You Will Find
Success in the Entertainment Field mentality. I
would like to tell someone that they will
find a gorilla in their closet, brooding darkly
over the shoes. And that that gorilla will
roll his glassy, animal eyes as if to cry out to the
heavens that are burning in bright
orange and red and through which violent clouds
are rolling, and open his beast's mouth
and issue a whimper that will fall on the shoes like
a buffing rag hot with friction. But
they say no. So if you don't find success in the
entertainment field, don't blame me.
I just work here.
* Yay Writer’s Almanac!
** Which oftentimes aren’t even fortunes to begin with but rather dull platitudes of common sense like “Love your mother” and “Don’t start yourself on fire”
Monday, January 15, 2007
"Why all the fuss?" you ask? Simple, this beer allegedly makes women's boobs bigger. Now, personally, I'm a little skeptical. I mean, sure, if they drank enough of it, just about anyone's boobs would grow - men or women - as they slowly succumb to the obesity due to imbibing the caloric wave. But then again, all their other parts would grow too, right?
But if you want to try it, head over to this page, where you can find your own recipe* and try it yourself! But ladies should probably be ready with a new bra just in case you bust out all over, incredible-hulk style**!
* "Based on information from experienced houswives", or so the website says...
** "You *would* like me when I'm drinking! GRRRRRR!!!!!"
And yes, the fact that this one has cleavage didn't hurt...
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Of course, like any big change, it doesn't come easily. While I pretty much knew where all the HTML code pointed to in my old template I didn't have it memorized, so when I switched templates I suddenly found myself having to face the task of looking up everyone's blogs on Google to find the URLs again**. Thank goodness for Googles cache of my old template. Woot!
The sad thing it how going through this work has really highlighted how much change has happened lately. Many of my old favorite blogs and bloggers have either disappeared*** or been harassed into abandoning their sites for a more covert/offline existance****. Still more have just become uninteresting or skewed in one direction, so I cut them all off, to give you, my 10-15 daily readers, a selection of links that are again worth your while.
It's weird how all this work has me thinking about transitions in life generally. Like at work, for example - I'm no longer the young Turk, rebelling at authority and questioning the system purely for the sake of being provocative. I've been working there for almost 10 years now and am pretty settled into the "old people who've been around the block and know what's going on" group of 30-somethings. And as I was walking through the cafeteria on Friday, it hit me that I don't know the vast majority of people who work there anymore - even the young folks.
Not that I really mind being with one company for a decade - it's just sort of weird to one day suddenly realize how life moves on without you if you're not paying attention.
* Did you know they *all* love shopping? No, really!
** Yes, I know that Blogger saves my old template *somewhere* but I really wsn't in the bood to go learning anymore more today thankyouverymuch.
*** Waiter Rant, Pork Tornado
**** Nowhere Girl
Friday, January 12, 2007
Sure, there are aspects about living in that sort of weather that I don’t like. It’s harder to start the car in the morning*, sometimes your eyes will freeze shut, and ice on the roads causes all the people who don’t know how to drive in winter to freak out and skid all over the road. And I certainly don’t enjoy *being* cold myself. I don’t stand outside in a t-shirt and shorts, it’s not like I have a death wish. But I like bundling up and walking around when there’s fresh snow on the ground, the sun sparkles off the ice, and the only thing keeping me from hypothermia is a couple layers of thinsulate and gore-tex. Particularly when you’re out in the wilderness the sheer silence is amazing. Plus, you stand almost no chance of being hit by bird poop, since they are all frozen to trees and can’t fly.
Sadly, by the time this front reaches Chicago, it’ll have mellowed out quite a bit. The weather folks are saying that we might get down to the mid 20’s overnights. But we’ll barely get below freezing during the days.
(Sigh) – I guess it’s another year of never having to put on my real winter coat…
* If you don’t have a block heater.
I am seriously considering going home tonight after work and writing up a couple of these ahead of time, just to keep in the glove compartment.
* Remember, this is a joke – the whole point is that there *is* no dent or scratches.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
It turns out that cleanbutt.com is the marketing website of a company that sells kits that convert your regular toilet seat into a bidet. The most fun part about the site is the “Demo BidetSpa” link along the left. Click it and it brings up a little flash app window where you can see all the different functions in action. Frankly, I have serious questions about a number of them. For example: the “enema wash” function, which is “specifically designed to gently spray a stream of warm water directly through the rectum and into the lower colon”. All right, I know that some people use enemas, and indeed there are some times when they are medically necessary. But it seems to me that the pressure required to achieve that level of penetration would be very dangerous if your aim wasn’t exactly “on the money”. Particularly if you’re a guy.
The other fun thing about the site is all the euphemistic copy they have to write, combined with the crazy “benefits” they allege. Discussions about the benefits of the “pulsating water massage” function were particularly entertaining, “This feature helps improve blood circulation to the area and provides a more pleasant and calming, Spa kind of experience”. Yup, because nothing makes me feel more like I’m in a spa than gettin’ my perineum massaged. And ladies, use the “feminine wash” function on your “delicate feminine area” to leave you “feeling confident and secure all day long!”.
Surely, the promise of a “new lifestyle full of lavish comfort and refreshing convenience for your daily personal hygiene needs” is overselling it just a bit, don’t you think? It’s like they are trying to convince you that hosing down your privates for 5 minutes* will make you equivalent to royalty or Angelina Jolie.
And don’t even get me started on the opportunities to be a “CleanButt Partner”…
* A two minute wash cycle followed by a 3 minute air dry cycle.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Of course, that power would be incredibly limited, and shrink with each passing day. I have come to the realization that apparently I’ve lost about half the readers I had about a year ago. I can only attribute this to the lack of any new Virgin Mary images appearing in my neighborhood, a sudden dropoff in searches for “Debra Lafave yummy”, and the fact that my life isn’t all that interesting to strangers. Basically, if you’re here now and you don’t know me personally, then this is trend is blogciety’s way of telling you there is something wrong with you.
I think the most difficult thing about new blogger is going to be all the pressure it puts on you to come up with “tags” for each post. I barely understand what I’m talking about on any given day, how am I supposed to distill it down into two or three pithy little words/phrases that capture the essence of my daily thought process? Not to mention how much work it will be to go back through the archives and do it again and again for all the old stuff**.
Boy, this and taxes are coming later this month. 2007 is already looking like a long year.
* And yes, I *have* been having problems with getting stuff to publish – even Blogger for Word doesn't help.
** I haven’t started this yet, but I’m guessing “boobs” will be a frequent tag, and I don’t even have ‘em. This will only prove to the casual reader that most of my posts are about topics I know nothing about.
Monday, January 08, 2007
Who knew fruit had such dramatic life episodes? I thought it was just day after day of trying to avoid wrinkles and mold...
Bonus points for the funniest version of what the Orange is yelling in panel #3 in the comments.
For one, why are women all into showers? They have showers for babies, showers for weddings…and who knows what else they throw showers for in secret that they don’t tell us about?**. This is another reason it’s better to be a guy. If you’re a woman and a friend of yours is pregnant, you have to reserve a Saturday afternoon, go check the baby registry online, pick out some obscenely overpriced gift that will either break or become outgrown in a week, and then spend an hour oohing and aahing over all the crap that everyone else bought.
If you’re a guy, though, and a buddy knocks up somebody then all you have to do is give him a high five*** or say “Dude, that sucks”****. Either way your moral obligation is complete. Plus everybody can drink beer while you do it without worrying about ruining your child’s future.
* Tiny Xmas Tree. It’s a little over a foot high but is pre-decorated and the only “take-down” required is putting it back in the box.
** Finding cute shoes? Getting a good haircut/color? Surviving a waxing?
*** If it was intentional
**** If it wasn’t
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Anyway, the fun thing to share for today is a mind-blowing run of "Line Rider" that someone with waaaaayyy too much time on their hands posted on YouTube a while back. I like Line Rider as much as the next guy, but even if I did have enough time to put together something like this, there's no way I'd have the patience. Enjoy!
And now, back to the TPS reports!
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Check out the last comment at the bottom of that page...
Honestly, I haven't read the entire thing yet, but I think I've read enough to be thoroughly befuddled. My new theory is that it's just a pathetic attempt to drive traffic to some moron's new website (mentioned at the bottom of the comment).
Seems like a lot of work for (probably) very little result.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
True, I really have no concious memories of the Ford administration. My time was largely occupied with learning how to walk, talk, and control my excretory functions, and I wasn't going to be voting for another 17 years, so I paid very little attention to the 1976 presidential race. Oddly enough, the 1980 race fascinated me - I was a big supporter of John Anderson just because I thought it was funny that a third party guy was getting so much attention. In retrospect, I probably wouldn't have been a big fan *now* but that's because I'm more of an informed voter and I can now take a bath without supervision.
The one thing I did respect about Ford though, was his longevity. The dude lived forever! He knew it too. In fact, when SNL did the skit with Dana Carvey as Tom Brokaw pre-taping the news for an extended vacation, I'm pretty sure that Ford laughed as hard as the rest of America did. Or at least as hard as I did.
And I think that's what I'll miss about Ford the most - he would laugh, unlike the current administration who would shanghai the writers off to Poland for an extended waterboarding vacation.